The History of the Shire and Hobbits in general
by FallohideDragon
Summary: To put it simply, Hobbits are way more efficient than you'd think, Bilbo is a king and is smart as a whip. Oh and Gandalf and the Dwarves have absolutely no clue what's going on. Read to find out more!
1. Prologue: Hobbits aren't what they seem

**Hi everyone! Now, I know that I am really bad at continuing my fics and I'm sorry about that. Buuut… I am totally going to stay on top of this one and if I stop writing for ages, just send me a message to get me back into it. I think that since this one is something I've thought out a bit more, it might work a bit better than the others. By the way, this will be extremely AU since literally nothing in this would ever happen in Middle Earth save the things that already have. Since I don't have the imagination to create an entire universe with languages, landmarks and species, I am not J.R.R Tolkien and so don't own the Hobbit nor am I Peter Jackson who brought it into reality. Thanks!**

 **Khuzdul**

 _Sindarin_

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **...**

A long time ago, in the year 1601 TA, the first Hobbits crossed the river Baranduin (later renamed the Brandywine) and settled in the Shire. The Hobbits were a peaceful folk enjoying nothing more than a warm hearth, a good pipe of Old Toby and a hearty meal. Or so the other inhabitants of Arda thought. Hobbits, you see, were created by Yavanna Kementári, one of the Valar, the Lady of the Earth, and protector of nature. They were her favoured race and as such were blessed by her and her husband Aüle or Mahal as the Dwarves call him. The Hobbits were actually a fierce little race that could move completely silently on any turf, steal anything without detection, control the powers of nature, find their way even in pitch darkness, if willing, hear anything within a radius of 10 miles, run extremely fast, and communicate telepathically. Mahal himself came with his wife to teach her chosen people their skills. He instructed them in weaponry, crafting, forging and fighting whilst showing them how to navigate caves and stone. His wife, helped with their other powers and gifted them with the language of Hobbitish or Hetrea, a language in between the rough yet comforting grate of Khuzdul and the flowing, flute like sound of Sindarin and Quenya. The Hobbits could also communicate through a sign language like Iglishmêk which they named Hetrean after the formal name for their race, the Hetraii. The Hobbits mastered the art of glamouring themselves as a way to protect their secrets. This way, once they heard of strangers travelling to the Shire, they would appear to be happy go lucky, hairy footed, good natured gentlehobbits and not at all suspicious in any way. They had devised the most extensive spy network in all of Middle Earth, a Dwarven miner in the Iron Hills could sneeze and the Thain would know about it 2 days later!

The Shire folk did in fact have a ruling system! There was the Thain, the Hobbit family in charge of the military and peacekeepers, the Spymaster, the Hobbit in the centre of the information network, the Grandmaster, the Hobbit who controls anything related to trade, the Masters, those who took stock of the Shirelings had produced and distributed it among the citizens, the Mayors who presided over each of the four cardinal farthings, and the Peacekeepers, these were like a sort of guard that did different security jobs. They were ranked by skill, Knights, Shriffs, Bounders and lastly, Rounders. Knights were in charge of large groups sent on Orc hunts and security along with any Rounders they might have as the Rounders were the trainees. Shriffs protected the Hobbits from danger and the Bounders were the border patrol who kept watch for anything suspicious. There were then the simple working Hobbits who just enjoyed life however harsh it might be. The Hobbits did have one other position; the Archthain was the Shire's ruler and took care of all the Hobbits from the capital of Hobbiton. Some of these positions are hereditary with the Thains being Tooks, Mayors being Brandybucks, Grandmasters being Cottons, Masters being Gamgees, and the Archthain always being a Baggins.

The Hobbits all had their own smials, but every one of them had a secret door that only a Hobbit could see that led to their underground city where all of the secrets were out. Each smial had a pantry that contained all of the food that family needed for the year with the Archsmial having an extra several that stored all of the food Hobbits could need in emergencies. They had trade deals with a few races. The Dwarves of Ered Luin got fresh produce in exchange for blacksmithing lessons, the Rangers or Dunedain as they liked to be called got the same but for extra protection from the forces of evil. But surprisingly, the Orcs and Goblins got an alliance as well! There was a small group of Orcs that along with the Goblins, did not wish to live for death and destruction. They were lead by Azog the Defiler and the deal was that they got food if they gave the Hobbits safe passage through the mountains on their missions, a network base and information on the workings of evil. The Orcs and Goblins readily agreed and used glamours that the Hobbits helped with to disguise themselves as a breed of exceedingly pale elf species which bore the name Fae whenever they visited the Shire whilst strangers were about. One of the Archthains, Balbo Baggins, the great grandfather of Bilbo Baggins, formed an alliance with the great Eagles of Arda. They would help the Hobbits to travel great distances and the Orcs to keep their cover as evil doers when having to chase down groups of people. In fact, one Belladonna Took became very good friends with Gwaihir the Eagle Lord and henceforth, all Hobbits bore the title Eagle friend and had permission to set up their second main temple of knowledge. These temples were the centers of the spy network devised by the Spymaster and though the primary base was in Tuckborough crossing into Buckland, the secondary base was in the mountains with the Eagles who helped them gather information from the sky. With the Eagles' help, the Hobbits devised an armada of flying ships which were used to explore Eä and defend the Shire if needed. These boats used magic to go undetected and were also used to go to the temple of knowledge without calling the Eagles.

And so the Hobbits lived in a peaceful organised society for several years. But one day, a grey clothed Istari convinced Archthain Bilbo Baggins, to leave on an adventure to reclaim the Dwarven city of Erebor…

 **...**

 **Well that's all for today folks! I hope you enjoyed this prologue which should give insight into how I've changed the storyline. Hope to see you soon!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	2. Adventure?: Bilbo practices his acting

_Suilad Mellyn, Elen síla lúmenn' omentielvo, Im gelir ceni ad lín!_

 **(Hello friends, a star shines upon the hour of our meeting, I am happy to see you again!) Here is the next chapter for you all and I hope you enjoy! Since I don't have the imagination to create an entire universe with languages, landmarks and species, I am not J.R.R Tolkien and so don't own the Hobbit nor am I Peter Jackson who brought it into reality. Thanks!**

 **Khuzdul**

 _Sindarin_

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 _ **...**_

Bilbo Baggins, son of Bungo Baggins and Belladonna Baggins nee Took, Archthain of the Shire and conkers champion 5 years running, was calmly sitting in his garden smoking his pipe. The Bounders had sent messages all through the Shire saying that the wizard Gandalf the Grey, whom they had heard telling a large group of Dwarves that Bilbo was going to help them burgle something 3 weeks before, was in the Shire approaching the royal smial of Bag End. Bilbo smiled slightly. The system they had here was so efficient that everyone had gone into their 'respectable Hobbits who want nothing to do with outsiders and their nasty adventures' personalities so fast that they had 2 hours to spare before the Grey Pilgrim even arrived. Bilbo had set everything up so that if he did indeed decide to go on this adventure, his people would know exactly what to do with his possessions in the event that he didn't return. He knew several things that Gandalf didn't; he knew that there were 5 Peacekeepers assigned to watch the Grey wizard (3 Bounders and 2 Rounders respectively). He knew that Gandalf didn't know about the true nature of Hobbits and so would woefully underestimate Bilbo. He knew that Gandalf had absolutely no idea that he was the Archthain of the Shire and he knew that the wizard only knew of the position of Thain and believed that it was simply used as a way of commanding the Hobbits during festival season. Oh how Bilbo was going to enjoy this meeting!

…Later that same afternoon…

Bilbo spied the Istari coming out of the woods near Bag End. He smiled, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath of fresh air before blowing a perfect smoke ring into the blue sky. The smoke ring promptly turned into a butterfly which fluttered back towards him only to burst upon reaching his nose. He managed to stop himself sneezing only to look up at Gandalf in feigned surprise and offer a polite "Good morning!"

"What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning? Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be a good on?" Bilbo paused allowing the end of his pipe to drop out of his mouth in his supposed confusion. "All of them at once, I suppose." He replied not feeling at all unnerved by the way Gandalf was scrutinising him. "I'm sorry, can I help you?" He asked. "That remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure." The wizard of badly dyed dishcloths responded mysteriously. Why the nerve of him! That was even blunter than Bilbo had expected, the wizard must be convinced that Bilbo was joining the quest. "An adventure?" Bilbo gaped (he hoped it wasn't too exaggerated) "No, I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty, disturbing, uncomfortable things." Got to keep up the stuffy outward appearance of course. "Make you late for dinner." He added. "Heh, heh. Mm. Huh. Hmm. Oh. Ah. Good morning." Bilbo rushed as quickly as 'respectability' would allow shuffling his letters as he went. "To think that I should have lived to be "good morninged" by Belladonna Took's son as if I were selling buttons at the door." Ouch. That was cold. Bilbo had to force himself to wear a bemused expression but in his head he was cursing Gandalf, mentioning his mother, how dare he! She has been dead for near 30 years, who did this barefooted, mud dripping, cabbage head think he was!? "I beg your pardon!" He said indignantly. The wizard looked rather disgruntled, " You've changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins." Well that settles it. Bilbo is going to annoy this wizard within an inch of his life... no matter how immature it might be. Lets wound his pride a bit, "I'm sorry do I know you?" There!

"Well, you know my name, although you don't remember I belong to it. I'm Gandalf. And Gandalf means... ...me." That, Bilbo had to admit, was a good way at hiding the fact that Bilbo should remember the Istari. For a minute Bilbo thought he was going to say that his name means good morning or something ridiculous like that. "Gandalf?" He replied. "Not Gandalf the wandering Wizard... ...who made such excellent fireworks? Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Heh, heh. Ahem." (Here comes the burn!) "No idea you were still in business." Ha! Take that wizard!

"And where else should I be?" Oh Bilbo doesn't know, thrown in prison by someone who doesn't put up with constant riddles? Well he can imply dead he supposes... "Where else... Ahem." Oh dear, here the old tortoise goes again... does he live to annoy the poor people of the Shire? If Bilbo wasn't the Archthain he would have delivered Gandalf a good kick to the shin 10 minutes ago. " Well, I'm pleased to find you remember something about me... ...even if it's only my fireworks. Yes. Well, that's decided. It'll be very good for you and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others." What just happened? Looks like Bilbo should hide all of his valuables since he can't make a good meal for the poor Dwarves the imbecile wizard is going to set on him. He wonders how much he can get away with having prepared in advance? He doesn't want to be forced to be a terrible host by that dratted wizard! Speaking of the wizard, best say something before he gets suspicious. "Inform the who? What? No. No. No... Wait. We do not want any adventures here, thank you. Not today. Not... I suggest you try Over the Hill or Across the Water. Good morning." And inside he goes.

Bilbo sagged with relief against the wall of his smial hoping beyond hope that the wizard doesn't vandalise anything. But alas it was not to be as he can hear Gandalf scratching a symbol into his door. Peeking out of the window, a large grey-blue eye moves into his field of vision. Scampering around the corner so as to appear scared, Bilbo waits until he can see the wizard walking around the corner and back into the woods before going outside to see how much damage the wizard has done... SWEET YAVANNA! His poor poor door! It's got a horrible dwarf rune on it that says, ummm, 'Burglar wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward?' That's it then, 13 Dwarves are going to be coming to his smial this evening. Best get the Peacekeepers prepared then! He slides easily back into the persona of Bilbo the Archthain. _**"Jasper!"**_ he barks. A young Bounder seems to drop from the sky (really from apple tree though... he's been tailing Gandalf all day but only 4 Bounders will tail him out so someone stays with Bilbo) and salutes, sweeping his feathered cap from his head. Bilbo smiles fondly, _**"Assemble 39 Peacekeepers"**_ he says. _ **"There are going to be 13 Dwarves coming through the Shire tonight , the same ones from 3 weeks ago. I want everyone to know and I want 3 Peacekeepers assigned to each Dwarf... keep the 4 on Gandalf as well, I can tell that he's going to show. I'm going to have some guests..."**_

 _ **...**_

 _Ni 'lassui_

 **(Thank you) so much for reading! I have made some edits to the first chapter if you haven't seen those and really want to wish everyone a Happy Mothers Day! (even if you are not a mother) As you can see, this time around Bilbo is absolutely on top of things and is taking great pleasure in riling up Gandalf because... well... who wouldn't!?**

 _Na lû e-govaned vîn!_

 **(Until our next meeting!)**

 **FallohideDragon**


	3. Arrivals: Bilbo is going to kill Gandalf

**Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't posted for a while, my computer kept deleting my work before I could post it which added to the fact that I spent a while in Naples, is reason for delay. Just to say that I am going on holiday to Wales soonso the next chapter might be a wee bit late, I am sorry. There will be an important announcement at the end thanks and I would appreciate an answer to the question, one word will do fine. Thank you so much for reading and lets get on with the story. Since I don't have the imagination to create an entire universe with languages, landmarks and species, I am not J.R.R Tolkien and so don't own the Hobbit nor am I Peter Jackson who brought it into reality. Thanks!**

 **Khuzdul**

 _Sindarin_

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **...**

Bilbo rushed back into his house and into the study in order to write some important letters. The first one was a letter to the Thain which explained everything in more detail and included his will. The will basically said that the Archthainship, Bag End and all his possessions were to go to Drogo Baggins, at least until any more viable heirs came of age to take it. His family members would all get some books, and some of his money, the Gamgees would continue to look after the garden, and the Sackville-Bagginses would get absolutely nothing! Bilbo snickered, he could just imagine the looks of triumph on their faces as they receive news that he is dead, only for it to morph into a look of pure horror.

The second letter was for Drogo himself to give him the news that he was as of now the next in line for the Archthainship. As soon as he was done, he went into the kitchen and packed up 3375 sweet rolls into 15 per basket. He then organised them into 15 baskets per wheelbarrow and wheeled the 15 wheelbarrows out into front garden.

After placing down the last wheelbarrow, he lifted his head and called, _**"Cedar!"**_ A young Hobbit girl jumped out of a bush but tripped over the one in front of her and went sprawling to the ground. She bounced back to her feet as her ears flushed beet red. _**"Yes Sir."**_ She muttered looking down at her feet. Bilbo smiled fondly at her, _**"I wish for you to take one of these wheelbarrows and distribute the baskets to every house in Hobbiton. I know there aren't that many but families will know how many to have and you'll find that there will be enough. Winter was harsh this year and no matter how much food we have produced, Azog and his Orcs need lots of it more than we do and our alliance is very beneficial. The unturned Orcs however, are raiding towns, destroying villages, we can hold them off but at the sake of our farms, most of our food and prosperity is in fact glamoured. We need to make sure that everybody is eating enough."**_ Cedar nodded before taking a wheelbarrow and trundling down the lane.

Bilbo then turned and called out some more names, _**"Milo, Dingo, Bingo, Pingo, Wilo, Polo, Solo, Juniper, Holly, Thorn, Sage, Sorrel, Clove, Calla!"**_ One by one, 14 Rounders leapt from their hiding places, some with more success than others. They lined up in front of him, bowed and chorused, _**"Yes Archon!"**_ Bilbo gave to them the same orders he gave to Cedar but with variations of towns.

Once they had all left, he took his letters and slowly made his way down the road to the home of his gardener and best friend, Hobson Gamgee. A few seconds after knocking, the door was pulled open by a sticky looking fauntling who yelled loudly, _**"Mr Bilbee!"**_ before giving him a large hug around the knees. A woman's voice shouted from further inside the house, _**"Bring him in Hamfast!"**_ A motherly looking Hobbit with flaming red wavy hair and blue eyes rounded the corner wearing a flour covered apron, this was Molly Gamgee, a kind yet formidable woman who made the best bread in West Farthing. _**"Hello Bilbo dear,"**_ she smiled, _**"Come on into the living room, I've just finished making scones."**_

 _ **"**_ _ **Yaaaaaaay!"**_ squealed Hamfast running into the aforementioned room. Bilbo followed at a more dignified pace but was no less eager to have one or maybe two scones, it was time for Afternoon Tea after all. He told Molly everything about the Dwarves and their lost kingdom and the Dragon until he was feeling ready to jump out of his door and go help them early. _**"Dwarves!?"**_ Molly exclaimed. _**"In the Shire?"**_

 _ **"**_ _ **It has happened before Molly,"**_ Bilbo replied, _**"We do have a trade with the Blue Mountain Dwarves, not that they know anything more about us than a blade of grass knows of flying but still! I think that Thorin Oakenshield sounds like an honorable fellow, at least according to what our spies and the Thain have told me."**_ Molly sighed at him and looked resigned,

 _ **"**_ _ **I know you're right of course, I just… just... I just don't want to lose you Bilbo."**_ She said quietly. _**"After your wife, Rosabella, died well… you've been rather lonely. I just don't want you to do something stupidly reckless like you normally do."**_ She paused. _ **"Please don't tease Gandalf constantly!"**_ Bilbo grinned evilly at her, _ **"Not constantly,"**_ he chuckled, _ **"Just most of the time."**_ Molly just sighed and gave him a knowing smile.

...Later…

It was later that evening when Bilbo heard the first ring on the doorbell. He was packed and ready with his sword, his bow, his knives, his travelling cloak and clothes, his sleeping roll, an oilskin, and an extra blanket all safely stowed and hidden away in his pack. He had arranged the main pantry, not the hidden extra ones, differently to make everything easier to find and was now sitting down to a small meal of potatoes, vegetables, a fried fish, and some lemon. Wearing a bathrobe of all things, a bathrobe! (So unarchthainly)

He walked up to the front door and opened it to see a tall burly Dwarf with 2 very sharp axes and a bald tattooed head staring at him. The Dwarf bowed, never taking his eyes of Bilbo, "Dwalin, at your service." Right. Better put on the old, I'm a helpless gentlehobbit act then! "Hm. Uh... Bilbo Baggins, at yours." He quickly tied and knotted his open bathrobe, "Do we know each other?" The Dwarf, Dwalin, looked at him as if he was crazy,

"No." He then took off his cloak and sword, not the axes, and dumped them on the floor, "Which way, laddie? Is it down here?" The poor Dwarf has been told that he already knew about this escapade he supposed. "Is what down where?" Maybe the others will catch on to the fact that had 'had no idea' about this meeting before this morning. If he actually had only known about this this morning and was actually a 'gentlehobbit', this would be going so, so badly. Dwalin briskly answered his question with, "He said there'd be food and lots of it."

Bilbo paused, "He... He said? Who said?" Oh… he was going to MURDER that damned Wizard! But he had other problems... Dwalin was now eating his dinner. At least he's enjoying it, he thought feeling quite disgruntled. The Dwarf was making his opinion known rather loudly as a matter of fact. "Mmm. Mmm. Very good, this. Any more?" Bilbo turned and grabbed a plate of rolls from the windowsill, keeping 2 for himself, slipping them into his pockets before bringing them over. "What? Oh, yes, yes. Ah. Help yourself. Hmm. It's just that, um, I wasn't expecting company." Maybe he'll pick it up? No? Ah, there was another ring. Dwalin looked at him conspiratorially, "That'll be the door." No kidding.

The Dwarf at the door was probably 2 feet shorter than Dwalin with a long white forked beard. He bowed, "Balin, at your service." He looked quite a bit friendlier than the other Dwarf in the dining room. He managed a rather weak reply, "Good evening." Oh that was sad, he didn't introduce himself properly, but then he is meant to be a 'gentlehobbit". The Dwarf took it all in his stride looking up at the sky, "Yes. Yes, it is. Though I think it might rain later." Hmmm, maybe? "Hm?"

Balin leaned in as if he and Bilbo shared some great secret. "Am I late?" He asked. "Late for what?" Bilbo said pasting a confused look on his face. The Dwarf however had just walking into the dining room where Dwalin was struggling… to get a cookie? "Oh! Ha, ha! Evening, brother." So, brothers then. Must be the reason for the matching names then! Dwalin smirked, "By my beard... ...you're shorter and wider than last we met." Balin just winked, Bilbo had a feeling that this was some sort of of inside joke. "Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us." They laughed and grabbed each other's shoulders before slamming their heads together!

Bilbo realised that he was still standing by the door and should probably be making more of a supposed effort to rid them from his home. It was just so fascinating! As Archthain, the Thain would always choose him to come with him to the trade deals with the Dwarves as outlanders thought the Thain was the highest authority in the Shire, even if he didn't have that much authority. (So untrue.) But Bilbo couldn't observe much about the Dwarves from these brief meetings and so this was very interesting for him. Especially as all of their knowledge collectors (spies) in Dwarven settlements had taught him Khuzdul, the sacred Dwarven language. Any Peacekeepers or Hobbits in the spy network must learn Khuzdul, Sindarin, Rohirric, Quenya and dormant black speech with every Hobbit learning Westron, Hobbitish and Black speech along with a few words of Sindarin.

Bilbo went over to the Dwarves and decided to go on a short rant. "Uh, excuse me? Sorry, I hate to interrupt. But the thing is, I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house." Alas, they were ignoring him in favor of eyeing his food. He hoped they didn't use the lemonade! They had moved into the pantry where Balin asked Dwalin, "Have you eaten?" Bilbo decided to just go on talking because really what else could he do? "It's not that I don't like visitors. I like visitors as much as the next Hobbit. But I do like to know them before they come 'visiting'." Dwalin picked up one of his cheeses, Brie that funnily enough, was transported from Bree. "What is this?" He asked.

"I don't know." Balin replied. "I think it's cheese. Gone blue." Dwalin stared at it in disgust before throwing it over his shoulder. "It's riddled with mold." Well that was rude, the cheese could have been offended! Did he mention he was in a sarcastic mood? "The thing is, I don't know either of you. Not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry." The Dwarves turned and looked at him. Balin smiled, "Apology accepted!" Bilbo forced his mouth not to drop open with shock, if it wasn't happening to him he would be laughing his head off. That was really funny!

Balin was still talking to Dwalin. "Now, fill it up, brother, don't stint." So they've found the ale kegs then, those are going to be bone dry in an hour probably. "You wanna get stuck in?" Dwalin asked.

"I could eat again if you insist, brother." Balin replied. The doorbell rang. Bilbo mentally cursed, why couldn't they all arrive at once!? There were 2 Dwarves this time, and they practically reeked of trouble mixed with 2 innocent faces. Bilbo was going to be in for it wasn't he? "Fili" said the blonde one on the left, "And Kili." finished the brunette one on the right. "At your service." they said together. He hoped they didn't do that a lot, it was already giving him a headache. They even bowed in synchrony! Kili grinned at him, "You must be Mr. Boggins!" That's it! The gentlehobbit is DONE!

"Nope! You can't come in, you've come to the wrong house." Kili looked like christmas had been canceled. "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili poked his head around, "No one told us." Oh dear, he really is going to have to let them in isn't he. "Can…! No, nothing's been canceled." Kili smiled eagerly, he has regained his hope! "That's a relief!" Fili walked in as if he owned the place and dumped his weapons in Bilbo's arms, "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened."

Kili was apparently sightseeing, "It's nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?"

Hmmf he wasn't that old! "Uh…no, it's been in the family for years." Oh he did NOT just use that as a bootscrape! "That's my mother's glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin yelled at the brothers from behind the dining room door. "Fili, Ki li, come on, give us a hand." Kili slung an arm over Dwalin's shoulders, "Mr Dwalin."

Balin's voice came through next. "Let's shove this in the hole, or otherwise we'll never get everyone in." Bilbo realised he needed to pretend he had no idea this was on. He's got to remember that! "Ev…everyone?! How many more are there?" The doorbell rang again. "Oh, no! No, no. There's nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There's far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If…if this is some clothead's idea of a joke, ha ha, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" With that, he swung open the door and stepped back just in time to have a pile of Dwarves lamp on the mat. "Get off, you big lump!" someone yelled from the bottom of the pile. Gandalf poked his head through the door. "Gandalf." Bilbo sighed in exasperation.

 **...**

 **That has got to be one of my longest chapters ever! So I hope you all really liked it, it took AGES to finish. As you can see, I made Bilbo have a wife who has died. My question to you is this… I am planning to possibly introduce an OC later on in another chapter. Would you like them to be…**

 **Bilbo's daughter,**

 **Bilbo's son,**

 **Bilbo's apprentice in, well… everything (Male or Female),**

 **Bilbo's twins,**

 **Or no one at all?**

 **Please answer in a review! Thank you for reading and I'll see you next chapter!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	4. Dinner: The Dwarves are SINGING! WHY!

**Idmi! FallohideDragon zai adshânzu. (Welcome! FallohideDragon at your service) For those of you who are new to this story, abnâmul tada abdakhizu. (nice to meet you.) I know I've been away for the longest time but I'm back with some more of the story! An update of the votes will be shown at the end so please put in a vote in a review. Since I don't have the imagination to create an entire universe with languages, landmarks and species, I am not J.R.R Tolkien and so don't own the Hobbit nor am I Peter Jackson who brought it into reality. Akhminruki astû! (Thank you so much!)**

 _Sindarin_

 **Khuzdul**

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **...**

"Those are my…" Bilbo attempted to get a passing Dwarf to put down his silver spoons. Oh no over there, someone is taking... "Excuse me, not my wine!"

He tried again, "put that back." No? Next Dwarf, "put that back! Not the jam, please." He spotted the hatted Dwarf, Bofur walking past with three whole blocks of cheese that he was carrying to his rotund brother. "Excuse me. Ex…Excuse me. A tad excessive, isn't it? Have you got a cheese knife?"

"Cheese knife?" The Dwarf said confused. "He eats it by the block." Bilbo wrinkled his nose, that was disgusting. How did he even fit it all in his mouth? "No no, that's Grandpa Mungo's chair, no…uh, so is that." The Dwarf holding it seemed to be rather deaf and kept pointing to his ears. Bilbo just copied him. "Take it back, please. Take it back, this is antique, not for sitting on. Thank you." Them he sees someone else. "That is a book, not a coaster. Uh…put that map down." Gandalf looked like he was doing a headcount but before Bilbo could talk to him, he saw some irritation making his way to the table with his tomatoes. Nobody touches his tomatoes. Nobody. "No, no. Not my prize winners, thank you." Shame that he couldn't pull a knife on them but he'll take what he's given.

The blond Dwarf, Fillet or whatever his name was, Fill? Fila? Fili! That was it, was passing out tankards of ale whilst the other Dwarves stuffed their faces with food. There was lots of cheering and shouting. On the count of three, they all raised their mugs and downed them as quickly as possible until empty upon which event, a contest in belching began. This was more of the thing that Bilbo would see at the Green Dragon rather than in his royal smial! Afterwards, he spotted a Dwarf mopping up a suspicious looking spill with a doily. " Ex…excuse me, that is a doily, not a dishcloth." Bofur decided to but in to the conversation, "But it's full of holes!" He said indignantly. Bilbo sighed. "It's supposed to look like that, it's crochet."

"Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it." Hmmf, that was a very rude joke… to some… Bilbo had heard worse he supposed. But if he hadn't already told his relatives that he was leaving, this might seriously put him off! "Bebother and confusticate these dwarves!" He muttered.

"My dear Bilbo," curse that Wizard, "what on earth is the matter?" Ohhhhh… isn't it 'obvious' my dear Gandalf?! "What's the matter? I am surrounded by dwarves. What they're doing here?" Way to state the obvious, Mahal is he tired of keeping up this facade, and he might have to do so for the whole journey! "Oh, they're quite a merry gathering, once you get used to them." That you moldy moth did not answer the question. He decided to let out his irritation, just in a mild, gentlehobbitly sort of way. "I don't want to get used to them. Look at the state of my kitchen! There's mud trod in the carpet, they…they've pillaged the pantry! I'm not even gonna tell you what they've done in the bathroom, they've all but destroyed the plumbing! I don't understand what they're doing in my house!" A gentlehobbit could have gone stronger slightly but he isn't actually trying to make them leave. If they did it would be awkward. Very awkward. "Excuse me," said the young Dwarf with mittens. "I'm sorry to interrupt. But what should do with my plate?" Hooray! A Dwarrow with manners! Wonderful! Bilbo opened his mouth to tell the Dwarf to put it in the sink when Fili sauntered past. "Here you go, Ori, give it to me." Oh mothballs. Fili threw it to his brother… Kili who threw it into the kitchen before spinning around just in time to catch another plate. "Excuse me!" He yelled. "That's my mother's Westfarthing pottery, it's over a hundred years old!"

Bilbo could hear the remaining dwarves in the dining room banging his forks and stomping their feet to make music. "And…and, ca…can you not do that, you'll blunt them!" Bofur had a very mischievous look on his face, the one the fauntlings got before they stole pies from window sills. "Ooh, d'you hear that, lads? He says we'll blunt the knives!" Uh Oh…

"Blunt the knives, bend the forks" Sang Kili. Bilbo couldn't believe that they were going to SING! Hopefully they have good voices. Fili sang the next line. "Smash the bottles and burn the corks" The rest of the Dwarves joined in.

"Chip the glasses and crack the plates

That's what Bilbo Baggins hates

Cut the cloth, tread on the fat

Leave the bones on the bedroom mat

Pour the milk on the pantry floor

Splash the wine on every door

Dump the crooks in a boiling bowl

Pound them up with a thumping pole

When you're finished, if they are whole

Send them down the hall to roll"

Then came a 'wonderful' instrumental involving a fiddle, a hornpipe and a… is that a TEAPOT!?

"That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"

There was a loud thump upon the front door upon hearing which Gandalf said ominously, "He is here."

 **...**

 **Ladlug, sullu gilkhal! (So far so good!) That's the end of the chapter! I don't really have much to say except that term has started so I will be very busy with exams and all but I will try to update… promise!**

 **Here's an update of the votes:**

 **Daughter: 2**

 **Son: 0**

 **Apprentice: 3**

 **Twins: 6**

 **None: 0**

 **Please vote if you haven't so I can decide what to do when they will be introduced! Thanks!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	5. Thorin: Who's the rudest King of all?

**Hello again everybody, I'm back! At last… Anyway, this is the Thorin Chapter as I like to call it and I hope I do our Dwarf king justice, he and Bilbo will definitely butt heads. I wonder if he remembers that Bilbo's uncle is the one who made trade agreements between Ered Luin and the Shire? If not he's about to get reminded! Don't forget to vote! Since I don't have the imagination to create an entire universe with languages, landmarks and species, I am not J.R.R Tolkien and so don't own the Hobbit nor am I Peter Jackson who brought it into reality. Thanks!**

 **Khuzdul**

 _Sindarin_

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **…**

Bilbo was fuming. These Dwarves aren't even allowing him to get to his own front door! With a lot of pushing, shoving and an excessive use of elbows, he makes it to stand next to Gandalf who has the nerve to smile at him. Gandalf open the door to reveal a Dwarf with long black hair that seemed to be going slightly silver in places, a neatly trimmed beard, and a very sharp sword. Bilbo opened his mouth to welcome him (however resignedly) and tell him that there was some food left for him. He closed it again as the Dwarf opened his mouth first. "Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. I wouldn't have found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door." Well. Rude. Didn't his mother ever teach him to address his host, or acknowledge him! And they say he's a prince. Bilbo mentally sighed, he knows that if he'd been through dragonfire and lost as many family members as Thorin Oakenshield had, he'd be rather grumpy as well. But it doesn't excuse common courtesy. He had been through some pretty rough times himself but he wasn't like this. The Shire got invaded by the forces of Evil very often. They had an idea about the magic that Hobbits had, and their fertile country was highly desirable to the Necromancer. He wanted to take over, but his Orcs were often busy, he wasn't strong enough to show himself, but it was only a matter of time before the Shire was taken. They were strong, but the full force of the Necromancer would definitely destroy them! That was another reason he wished to go on this quest. A true alliance with Erebor would help them so much. It was in times like these that he missed having his Father's wisdom and his Mother's wit by his side. But they were murdered by Orcs in a raid during the Fell Winter. As were many of his relatives. They had been ousted from their homes before the Shire by Men, a furious attempt to take over, they weren't strong enough yet, they hadn't been taught the ways of the world by the Valar yet. Their only Elven allies didn't wish to hurt their people. They didn't help. Then they came here… they never put their full trust in Men or Elves again. But they had alliances that helped them. They didn't hold onto grudges with the past.

The problem, was whether Thorin would get Gold sickness, Bilbo had a theory on the cause but he would wait until the time was right to reveal it. But enough thoughts, he needed to look bumbling and silly. No time for reminiscing now Bilbo, got to get your head back into this charade. "Mark? There's no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago."

"There is a mark. I put it there myself." Does he go around vandalising the homes of everyone he meets?! "Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our company: Thorin Oakenshield." Thorin gave him a long, appraising stare. "So... ...this is the Hobbit." Rude! "Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?" Tell me Master Thorin do you have manners? In fact I have and while my cousin is the general of the army I lead us into battle every raid we have thank you very much! "Pardon me?" The Dwarf looked irritated. "Axe or sword? What's your weapon of choice?" Sword if you must know but I don't really see how that's relevant. "Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know... ...but I fail to see why that's relevant." It's relevant to improve my aim allowing me to knock out infuriating Dwarves from a great distance. "Thought as much. He looks more like a grocer than a burglar." How does my appearance have anything to do with this conversation!? And your rudeness is unbefitting for one of your status. If he knew Bilbo was a ruler as well he'd soon change his tune!

The other Dwarves laughed and led Thorin into the Dining Room where he sat down and began to eat. Everyone looked tense, as if they were waiting for something. Finally, Balin cracked and asked what everyone except Bilbo seemed to be thinking. "What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?" If he was anyone else that sentence would have gone completely over his head. Did they know this? Or did they expect Gandalf to have filled him in when he supposedly agreed? "Aye," Thorin replied. "Envoys from all seven kingdoms." Let's see, what are the seven kingdoms? Bilbo really needed to refresh his Dwarven history. Umm… Longbeards, Firebeards… Broadbeams, Ironfeet? Ironfists! Stiffbeards, Blacklocks and Stonefoots. There we go. Should really be Stonefeet shouldn't it? Oh, they're still talking. "And what did the dwarves of the Iron Hills say?" Says Dwalin. "Is Dain with us?" Dain Ironfoot is the Lord of the Iron Hills, and Bilbo has heard somewhere that he's Thorin's cousin. "They will not come. They say this quest is ours, and ours alone." But it will be their quest once Erebor is reclaimed won't it! Let's get Gandalf in trouble for springing this on him shall we? They think Bilbo already knows everything, which he does, but Gandalf doesn't! "You're going on a quest?"

"Bilbo, my dear fellow, let us have a little more light." Stupid Wizard, causing a distraction. "Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak." His gentlehobbit side will know what this is! But just in case, he'll read it off the map. "The Lonely Mountain." He mutters. Gloin, the one with the very fiery red beard, speaks up. "Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time!" The Dwarf next to Gloin that looks like a ram must be Oin then as he's about to speak. He's the one who almost took Grandpa Mungo's chair. "Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end." Let's throw in a prophecy then, it sounds very mysterious. If this prophecy was made before Smaug they would have evacuated so it must have been foretold after the destruction of Erebor. Or… Dwarves are really dense.

"Uh…what beast?" That sounded stupid. He really should have said that he knew. But where's the fun in that! "Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals." Bofur. If that's not obvious then he doesn't know what is. "Yes, I know what a dragon is." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Take that you insufferable Dwarf that looks like one of those pirates that sometimes decide to attempt to raid the Shire by boat. Hobbits can sail in boats and fly in boats! "I'm not afraid," yells the polite one, Ori. "I'm up for it. I'll give him a taste of the dwarvish iron right up his jacksie!" That Dwarf has spunk for one so small.

"Good lad, Ori!" Congratulates Gloin.

"Sit down!" Admonishes Dori. He must be a brother then. Very smothery. Bilbo's surprised that Ori was allowed to go on this quest with a brother that protective. "The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest." Balin manages to practically insult everyone with only one Dwarf picking up on it. Ori is smart and Balin would make a wonderful Hobbit Master. "Hey! Who are you calling dim?" Ori yells. Oin is rather deaf though so Bilbo won't put him into the 'how much more stupid can you get' category just yet. "Sorry, what did he say?" There see?

"We may be few in number. But we're fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf!" Who knew that Fili could be inspirational? "And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time." Poor Kili, so young and naive, putting his faith in Gandalf. He's about to get a reality check! "Oh, well. No, uh, I…I wouldn't say…" Bilbo could hug Kili! The Wizard is put on the spot would make a great song! Dori decides to help, "Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!" This is hilarious but it's getting very loud and as much as he enjoys watching Gandalf stutter and choke on his pipe… they need to carry on with this meeting. "Uh…Please. Please." This is futile. Oh well he tried!

 **"** **Enough!"** Thorin yells whilst leaping from his chair. "If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?" What a rousing pep talk. He might actually accept Thorin as an ally now. He does care for his people. Just in a very gruff way. Balin kills the mood. "You forget, the Front Gate is sealed." Thorin sits back down. "There is no way into the mountain." Bilbo suppresses a sigh, they are not stupid enough to not build a back door! Ask the all knowing Wizard. He probably has a key or something and hasn't mentioned it until now. "That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true." Oh look! He does have a key, how convenient! "How came you by this?" Thorin looks very surprised to see the key. Bilbo was willing to bet 10 gold coins that it belonged to some long believed dead relative of his majestic broodiness. "It was given to me by your father. By Thrain. For safekeeping. It is yours now." Well that was obvious Gandalf, who else would the key belong to… Smaug!?

"If there is a key," Says Fili. "There must be a door." Good job Sherlock! What's next? Gandalf likes to annoy innocent people so therefore he is a right pain in the rear? Good job! Gandalf is nodding as if Fili has sent something very intelligent. "These runes speak of a hidden passage to the Lower Halls." Kili pipes up in excitement. "There's another way in." Just in case nobody else figured out this extremely obscure information that Gandalf definitely did not just say. "Well, if we can find it, but Dwarf doors are invisible when closed." Well that's useless isn't it. Bilbo understands the need for secrecy but completely invisible? Why not 'only one with permission given by the king can see this door'? Gandalf is still talking. "The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map...and I do not have the skill to find it. But there are others in Middle-earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth... ...and no small amount of courage. But if we are careful and clever, I believe that it can be done."

"That's why we need a burglar." Says Ori. Why? To read your map for you? Come on. "Hmm. And a good one too. An expert, I'd imagine" Thankfully I know that you want me to steal the Arkenstone from a DRAGON! "And are you?" Oin asks.

"Am I what?"

"He said he's an expert. Hey."

"Me? No. No, no, no. I'm not a burglar. I've never stolen a thing in my life!"

"Well, I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins." Balin sighs. "He's hardly burglar material." Oh I am Balin I'm just pretending not to be, Bilbo thinks. Dwalin agrees with Balin. "Aye, the Wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves." I'll take that as a compliment to my acting thank you! Oh dear, Gandalf is doing that thing that he does to scare people. "Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is. Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most, if they choose. And, while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of Dwarf... ...the scent of a Hobbit is all but unknown to him... ...which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the 14th member of this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know. Including himself. You must trust me on this."

Thorin is agreeing with the mothball. Curse him. "Very well. We will do it your way. Give him the contract." Balin begins to rummage around in a bag for the contract. Gloin seems excited, "We're in. We're off." Bilbo pretends to look terrified. "Please." He stutters. It's too late though. Balin has given him the contract. Might as well read it. Later he'll ask to change anything he doesn't like. "It's just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth." OK…

"Funeral arrangements?" That is a very long contract. Gandalf and Thorin are having a secret conversation. Probably about him as well. "'Total's cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding, one fourteenth of total profit if any.' Seems fair. Uh…'The present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to…lacerations. Evisceration." He looks at the dwarves, "Incineration?"

"Oh, aye, he'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye." Wonderful Bofur that makes me feel so much better! "You alright, laddie?" Thank you Balin, good thing he learnt to faint on cue, this will be fun! "Huh? Yeah, I fe…I feel a bit faint." Here we go… he bends over and puts his hands on his knees. "Think furnace, with wings." Oh very helpful Bofur!

" I…I…I need air."

"Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You're nothing more than a pile of ash!" Bilbo rolls his eyes back in his head and faints.

"Nope."

 **…**

 **Thank you so much for reading this! I don't really have anything to say except see you next chapter! Hopefully.**

 **Daughter: 2**

 **Son: 0**

 **Apprentice: 3**

 **Twins: 7**

 **None: 0**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	6. Running: I'm going on an adventure!

**Welcome back my friends! I am so sorry that I haven't posted for absolutely ages and will now give you the opportunity to metaphorically slap me in the face and yell at me for forgetting. I am not going to give you an excuse as it already sounds weak to my own ears so I can only say… I was corrupted by the one ring which tempted my with offerings of ownership of the hobbit and the lord of the rings. Alas… the ring was destroyed. Since I don't have the imagination to create an entire universe with languages, landmarks and species, I am not J.R.R Tolkien and so don't own the Hobbit nor am I Peter Jackson who brought it into reality. Thanks!**

 **Khuzdul**

 _Sindarin_

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **…**

Bilbo came to a minute later after Gandalf had wafted one of Bofur's mouldy boots under his nose. Thank Yavanna Bilbo controlled his urge to retch otherwise the wizard's shoes would be sporting a large amount of vomit. It wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing but he didn't want to risk his floor. 5 minutes later found him sitting in his comfiest armchair next to a fire in the parlor… with Gandalf. "I'll be alright. Just let me sit quietly for a moment." He said, pretending to reassure Gandalf of his health, which was excellent he'll have you know! The wrinkled old cabbage decided to insult him. "You've been sitting quietly for far too long. Tell me, when did doilies and your mother's dishes... ...become so important to you?" After she was murdered by some unturned orcs. "I remember a young Hobbit who was always running off in search of Elves in the woods. Who would stay out late, come home after dark... ...trailing mud and twigs and fireflies. A young Hobbit who would have liked nothing better... ...than to find out what was beyond the borders of the Shire. The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there." First of all, he does remember his own childhood, far better that a wizard who hasn't visited for nigh on 30 years, and secondly, he was aware of the last sentence.

"I can't just go running off into the blue. I am a Baggins of Bag-end." Which is perfectly true. Thankfully he won't just go running off and instead has made plans. "You are also a Took. Did you know that your great-great-great-great-uncle Bullroarer Took was so large, he could ride a real horse?"

"Yes."

"Yes, well, he could. In the Battle of Green Fields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard, it knocked the Goblin king's head clean off... ...and it sailed 100 yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus, the battle was won. And the game of golf invented at the same time." Yes what a wonderful story. That I am going to pretend is fake while evily cackling in my head. "I do believe you made that up."

"Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back." The stupid man was NOT supposed to agree with me! "Can you promise that I will come back?" How will he respond to that I wonder? "No. And if you do... ...you will not be the same." Well at least he did something right. Although an inspiring speech would have been very useful. "That's what I thought. Sorry, Gandalf, I can't sign this. You've got the wrong Hobbit." He could hear Balin and Thorin having a conversation outside.

Thorin does seem like a good king, we will have to counter the gold sickness before we get there. Luckily us Hobbits have a remedy to stave it off while I do something with the Arkenstone to help. Oh well, the tea has gone cold so he might as well move away.

The Dwarves were singing again, this was a lovely and yet sad piece of music.

"Far over the Misty Mountains cold.

To dungeons deep and caverns old.

We must away ere break of day.

To find our long forgotten gold.

The pines were roaring on the height,

the winds were moaning in the night.

The fire was red, it flaming spread.

The trees like torches blazed with light."

After they were finished, Bilbo went to sleep in the corner, too tired to go to his room.

The next morning, he woke up to find the house empty. The Dwarves had left! After checking that they were all gone, he changed into the most unfit travelling clothes he'd ever worn, got to keep up appearances after all, grabbed a stick, signed the contract and sprinted off down the road.

"Hello!" He yells to a passing Hobbit who is still in disguise. Everyone will be until the Peacekeepers trailing the Dwarves come back to the Shire and the all clear for outsiders bell is sounded. Bilbo will keep the Thain up to date via bird communication. Any bird will do. "Here, Mr. Bilbo! Where are you off too?" The Hobbit asks 'confused'. "I can't stop, I'm already late!" The poor man just looks even more confused. "Late for what?"

"I'm going on an adventure!"

He caught up to Dwarves easily before pretending to be out of breath as he got 1 meter away. "Wait! Wait! I signed it." All of the Dwarves stop as if shot before turning around. He handed to contract to Balin who inspected it. "Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield."

 **…**

 **Thank you for reading! I don't really have anything to say but please don't leave my story and keep reviewing, it really helps and it makes me feel so happy. Please vote if you haven't already! Also, sorry that this chapter is so short!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	7. Riding: Nothing is worse than wet Dwarf

**Halloooooooooooo! I'm back again (finally) and with a new chapter to attempt to make it up you all! I don't have much to say except thanks for reading! Since I don't have the imagination to create an entire universe with languages, landmarks and species, I am not J.R.R Tolkien and so don't own the Hobbit nor am I Peter Jackson who brought it into reality. Thank you.**

 **Khuzdul**

 _Sindarin_

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **…**

Bilbo was exhausted. Not exhausted in the way of fatigue, as a matter of fact he was finding this journey to be very refreshing so far as he hasn't been out of Hobbiton for nigh on a year, but exhausted in the way of being extremely tired of keeping up this charade. He was a brilliant actor and there were absolutely no cracks at all in his gentlehobbit facade but he was sick and tired of the Dwarves' blatant disregard for anything they deemed weaker than themselves. Only Gandalf talked to him as and equal. The rest of the company either insulted him or ignored him completely. Some actually did both, (looking at you Thorin) however impossible that may sound. There had been a small debacle with his lack of a handkerchief as well as a completely fake allergy to horse hair that had been fun to do but now, he was bored.

Sighing as Thorin called for them to set up camp before watching as the others all moved their bedrolls away from him, he walked to the edge of the clearing in which they were camping and quickly and deftly set up his own bedroll. Having finished 5 minutes before everyone else, he walked into the woods to get firewood and have a decent conversation. Once he was safely hidden by the trees, he dropped his glamour and stood in his true form. It was quite similar to his gentlehobbit disguise but with a few key differences. He no longer was rotund but was now nicely well toned, lean with visible muscles. His hair was slightly longer, now reaching his shoulders with a small braid in. Hobbits used braids as well you see, to symbolise status. Bilbo had a braid of royalty. A scar ran down through his left eyebrow and he was slightly taller. He looked far more regal and warrior-like now. Wishing that he was wearing his adventuring clothes as his gentlehobbit ones were now too small, he silently walked over to a nearby tree.

A young owl, that was awake as it was late evening, flew to a branch that was near his head. Bilbo smiled, animals would always recognise a Hobbit. _**"Hello my young feathered friend."**_ He whispered to the bird. The owl hooted several times. Bilbo sighed. **_"I miss the intelligent conversation of my people young one. I wish that there was no such need for secrecy. But when everyone thinks that you are one thing, if you show yourself as something other than what you have previously given them reason to perceive, then they will not take it well. I can not stay like this forever my friend, I will have to find a way to be able to relax slightly while on this journey."_** The owl hooted some more and rubbed his head against Bilbo's fingers. **_"I agree,"_** he said. **_"I will do as you have suggested. Dropping my glamour slowly is a good way to allow them to believe that this journey has changed me."_** He paused and then gave the owl a thoughtful glance. _**"I don't suppose that you would be willing to carry a message to the Shire would you?"**_ He asked. A few more soft hoots came his way. Bilbo's face lit up with a bright smile and he patted the owl's head in joy. _**"Oh thank you! Could you tell them that everything is going fine and that bad has happened?"**_ The owl gave a sharp nod before launching itself of the branch and into the night.

Turning, Bilbo gathered some more firewood before heading back to the camp. He walked over to Bombur, the Dwarf cooking, and asked him where to put it. Bomber told him just to place it on the floor near the fire. As wandered over to his bedroll, he could feel Bombur's eyes on him.

Later that night, Bilbo woke, frustrated by the grating sound of Bombur's snoring. Tiptoeing over the minefield of sleeping Dwarves, he made his way over to where the ponies were tethered before reaching into his pocket and bringing out an apple for his pony, Myrtle. "Hello, girl. Who's a good girl? It's our little secret, Myrtle. You must tell no one. Shhhhhhh." Patting her nose gently, he smiled, the horses didn't care about whether he was a true Hobbit or not, they just wanted food. Suddenly, a blood-curdling screech rent the air. His eyes narrowed, Orcs. Unturned Orcs by the sound of it. Pretending to be scared, he whipped around to face Fili and Kili who were on second watch. "What was that?"

"Orcs." Kili said ominously.

"Orcs?" Bilbo repeated fearfully. He noticed Thorin shooting out of bed like a rocket at his words. "Aye, throat-cutters. There'll be dozens of them out there." Fili replied in the same tone as Kili. "The lone-lands are crawling with them. They strike in the wee small hours when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood." Kili finished the chilling description. If Bilbo had actually been a gentlehobbit, he would have been terrified. As such, he had spent enough time with young fauntlings to know when someone was trying to scare him. Although, the boys would have given it away anyway with the way they were snickering together. That appeared to irritate Thorin. Bilbo recalled from his history books and lessons that he was their Uncle, their Mother's Brother. "You think that's funny? You think a night raid by Orcs is a joke?" The older Dwarf growled. "We didn't mean anything by it." Kili replied sheepishly. This managed to annoy Thorin even further. "No you didn't. You know nothing of the world." He then stalked off and began brooding on a rock at the edge of camp. His eyes had the look of someone who was reliving bad memories.

"Don't mind him, laddie." Balin reassured Kili. "Thorin has more cause than most to hate orcs. After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain... ...King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient Dwarf kingdom of Moria. But our enemy had got there first. Moria had been taken by legions of Orcs... ...led by the most vile of all their race: Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad Orc... ...had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin. He began... ...by beheading the king. No! Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief. He went missing. Taken prisoner or killed... ...we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death... ...were upon us. That is when I saw him. A young Dwarf prince... ...facing down the pale Orc. He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent... ...wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield. Azog the Defiler learned that day... ...that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken. Our forces rallied... wand drove the Orcs back. And our enemy... ...had been defeated. But there was no feast... ...nor song that night... ...for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few had survived. And I thought to myself then... ...there is one who I could follow. There is one... ...I could call king." All of the Dwarves were on their feet, looking at their leader as he turned away from the echoes of the battle in his mind.

"And the Pale Orc? What happened to him?" Bilbo asked, breaking the tension. Thorin looked even more furious than usual, if that was possible. "He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago." Bilbo bit his lip, he hopes that Thorin doesn't kill Azog before he can explain everything to the Dwarves.

A few days later, it was raining. Not light rain that made a quiet pitter-patter on your oilskin. Nay, this was proper rain, large, heavy, thick droplets of water pelting from the sky and breaking open on your head. Soaking you right down to the bone so you couldn't even feel the cold anymore. Naturally, the Dwarves were complaining. "Here, Mr. Gandalf? Can't you do something about this deluge?" Dori asked, irritated.

"It is raining, master dwarf. And it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard." Was the mouldy mage's reply and what followed was a rather boring conversation about whether there were any other wizards into which Bilbo was able to slip a few veiled insults.

That night, they camped at a ruined farmhouse. Whilst setting up his bedroll, Bilbo found the perfect opportunity to let his mask slip a little. Fili and Kili were having an argument as they tied up the ponies and he heard Kili say **"Rukhs tumbin!"** Which roughly translates to orc privates. Since he was walking past at the time, he took the chance to say "language!" quite loudly before walking off whistling. He left the 2 brothers gaping after him.

Gandalf had had another argument with Thorin and had stalked off into the woods like a petulant fauntling which left Bilbo having to add asking where the mothball was to his scared persona. It was not very fun. Bofur passed him 2 bowls of stew and asked him to give them to Fili and Kili. As he walked into the woods however, Bilbo couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong…

 **...**

 **So there's another chapter! Trolls next. The voting is now closed and I will be revealing the result soon in a chapter. Until the next chapter then, I bid you adieu!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	8. Trolls: They're infested with parasites!

**Guharaiituhinugsss ohnuceai emoharai ahnuduh oiaiellceohemai buhahceki tuoh tuahihsss tuhahellai. (Greetings once more and welcome back to this tale.) I apologise for being away for so long and I will attempt to update more frequently. But as they say, time flies… Anyway! Since I don't have the imagination to create an entire universe with languages, landmarks and species, I am not J.R.R Tolkien and so don't own the Hobbit nor am I Peter Jackson who brought it into reality. Sssoh tuahahnuki eyeohyou effohar araiahduhinug ahnuduh ainujhaoheye tuahihsss ceahrahpuhtuhaiar! (So thank you for reading and enjoy this chapter!)**

 **Khuzdul**

 _Sindarin_

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **…**

Fili and Kili were standing stock still. At first, Bilbo thought that they were frozen by a spell. But then Fili blinked and he realised that he was mistaken "What's the matter?" He asked concerned.

"We're supposed to be looking after the ponies." Kili replied.

"Only we've encountered a slight problem." Fili finished ominously.

"We had sixteen." Kili said.

"Now there's fourteen." Fili concluded once more.

Kili looked at the ponies to determine which were gone. "Daisy and Bungo are missing!" He said sadly. Bilbo sighed mentally. Given their opinions on his perceived abilities he had to wonder why they were telling him. And why they were standing there like a couple of boiled taters instead of doing something. "What? Well, that's not good. And that is not good at all. Shouldn't we tell Thorin?" Fili winced minutely and looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "Uh…no. Let's not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it." And what exactly do you expect me to do about it! He pretended to wander around thinking for a few moment before looking at the trees that were lying on the ground. "Well, uh…it looks as if something big uprooted these trees." The entire place reeks of trolls. How had the idiots not smelt it? "That was our thinking." Kili said enthusiastically. Bilbo stared at him in aprehension. "It's something very big, and possibly quite dangerous." Take a hint you imbecellic youngsters! Fili was walking around squinting at the bushes. "Hey! There's a light. Over here!" As one, they all moved closer. Bilbo could feel a growing sense of foreboding in his chest. His heart rate picked up and he tensed imperceptibly, his magic swirling, restrained under his skin. "Stay down." Fili whispered.

"What is it?" Bilbo said.

"Trolls." Kili answered. How in Yavanna's green garden did they not notice three trolls stealing two of the ponies! Bilbo wanted to scream in frustration. "He's got Myrtle and Minty! I think they're going to eat them, we have to do something!" He whispered urgently. Fili and Kili shared a glance and Bilbo felt his bad feeling get stronger. "Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you're so small. They'll never see you." Why those sneaky, little, stone-headed, overlarge piles of goblin excrement! This was their plan all along! Are they trying to get him murdered? "Me? Me? No. No. No." If they push him any further he may just have to invent a story for Thorin about why his nephews have become piles of ash. "It's perfectly safe!" Kili says with a large grin on his face. Fili nodded vigorously, "We'll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl." With that, they shoved Bilbo in front of them and vanished. In case they were still listening, Bilbo muttered to himself as he walked. "Twice like a barn owl, hoot twice like a brown…hoots like a…like a… Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?" But they were gone.

He crept up on the trolls, listening to them complain about their food and hunger, his quick mind forming as many plans as possible. Alas, Kili was watching from the bushes so he couldn't use his magic and he was completely useless as a gentlehobbit so his only option was to do something foolish but brave and let the Dwarves save him. Not his best idea but he'd made do with worse. "Stupid Dwarves and their stupid ideas. What in Arda are they hoping I'll achieve? Do they want to kill me!? How am I meant to free 4 ponies as a gentlehobbit? Hug them to death Bilbo, throw a tomato at them Bilbo, stab them with Lobelia Sackville-Baggins' umbrella Bilbo." He muttered so Kili couldn't hear. If only he was in disguise as an (underestimated) Bounder. Then he could at least have a bow with which to kill the trolls. But he is not so he can't. Rats…

Sneaking around the campfire to where the ponies were being kept, he carried on thinking furiously. Pressing against the side of the enclosure, he tried unknotting the ropes binding the gate. It was in vain as the ropes held fast and he had to think of another option. He couldn't pull out one of his hidden knives as Kili would spot one and would almost definitely tell Thorin as that Dwarf was probably the worst chatterbox that Bilbo had ever met save maybe for young Jasper Took.

He knew now what he must do. Looking at the long knife attached to one of the trolls' loincloth, he crept forward slowly. He reached up to grab the knife but quickly ducked as the troll stood. He felt ice cold fear course through his veins and swallowed, his throat dry. The troll however, just scratched it's rear end before plonking itself back onto the log. Bilbo reached for the knife again and saw the hand coming for him a second too late.

That second cost him a lovely waistcoat. The troll had blown it's NOSE on him! He would give Gandalf 5 coins if Kili wasn't giggling in the bush behind him. "Aah! Blimey! Bert! Bert, look what's come out of me hooter! It's got arms and legs and everything!" Squealed the troll that had grabbed him. Another troll looked on curiously over his shoulder. "What is it?" The curious troll asked. Bilbo was squirming, trying to get out of the troll holding him's grip. "I don't know," it said. "But I don't like the way it wriggles around!" And the troll threw him onto the floor. Bilbo was extremely irritated by that. "What are you then? An oversized squirrel?" Said the curious troll. How very rude. Oversized squirrel indeed! He is a Hobbit thank you very much and he is also rather irked by your lack of manners! "I'm a burglar…uh, hobbit!" He stutters.

"A 'burglar-hobbit'?" The troll that had captured him repeated confused. The other troll from across the fire decided to speak up. "Can we cook him?" Bilbo decided to call the trolls Grabby, Nosy and Hungry in order to make identifying them easier. Grabby's voice suddenly became a lot more ominous. "We can try!" He growled, launching himself at Bilbo. Luckily for him, Bilbo was small and fast and was using this against the trolls, dodging in and out of their legs. "He wouldn't make more than a mouthful. Not when he's skinned and boned!" Mused Nosy, lumbering in a circle after Bilbo had nimbly slipped through the fingers of Nosy's grasping hand. Hungry swept his arm over to where Bilbo had landed after jumping over one of his toes. "Perhaps there's more burglar-hobbits 'round these parts, might be enough for a pie! Grab him!" Grabby looked despairing as Bilbo yet again avoided a clumsy clutch of his. "He's too quick!" Well done, Bilbo thought sarcastically. You've identified my gender. Good for you. It appears that I am no longer an oversized squirrel doesn't it? "Oah, come here! you little…" Hungry muttered swiping at him again. To Bilbo's horror, the large, sausage like fingers closed around his waist and lifted him up off the ground. "Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn't?" The troll asked, shaking Bilbo a little. Bilbo could feel a migraine coming on. "No." He said firmly. He hoped that Kili would notice how willing he was to protect the company, maybe the Dwarves would start accepting him? "He's lying!" Shrieked Grabby. Oh Mahal. He was doomed. "I'm not!" He protested.

Grabby didn't look convinced. "Hold his toes over the fire. Make him squeal!" Bilbo strengthened his resolve and gritted his teeth ready. Attempting to discreetly send his magic down to his toes in order to protect them, he was not expecting Kili to sprint out of the bushes and slice at Hungry's legs with his sword. If Bilbo's hands were free, he would have facepalmed. And yet… he was relieved, his toes did not fancy being barbequed. Maybe Kili did care about him, just a little bit. The thought made joy shoot through him. "Drop him!" Kili yelled furiously at the troll holding him. This was apparently too much for the troll's single brain cell. "You what?" It asked stupidly. Kili just readied his sword, slipping into a battle ready stance. "I said, drop him." The troll just lobbed him at Kili who caught him. How humiliating, being used as a troll's personal dodgeball.

Suddenly, Bilbo heard a loud cacophony of shouts as the rest of the company charged at the trolls. Swords, maces, axes and staffs whirled and slashed at the trolls. The Dwarves moved in synchrony, a well oiled force with each Dwarf knowing exactly what another needed. Bilbo could appreciate their skill as a fellow warrior and could find hardly any faults in Thorin and Dwalin's footwork. Deciding that as a gentlehobbit, he could still be of some use to the battle, he sprinted to the ponies' pen and snatched the knife he'd had his eye on from where the troll had left it. However, he was so busy sawing the ropes, that after the ponies had escaped, he didn't see the troll's hand coming. "Bilbo!" Cried Kili, as two of the trolls held him suspended in the by his arms and legs. Mentally cursing his stupidity, he shook his head minutely at the Dwarves. "No!" Thorin spoke, holding Kili back from doing something foolish.

"Lay down your arms! Or we'll rip his off!" Grumbled Hungry. Frustrated, Thorin stabbed his sword into the ground and the rest of the Dwarves followed suit, Kili practically hurling his sword at the floor. A while later saw them all tied up, most of them in sacks with a few turning on a spit over a fire. Hungry was annoyed by this. "Don't bother cooking 'em! Let's just sit on 'em and squash 'em into jelly!" He said. Bilbo wrinkled his nose. That sounded disgusting. As it turns out, Nosy was also the cook and he made that known with his latest recipe. "They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage" He proposed. Bilbo grudgingly had to agree with Grabby, who had said, "Oh, that does sound quite nice." Although sauteed Dwarf did sound rather odd. Hungry was not happy about that. "Never mind the seasoning, we ain't got all night! Dawn ain't far away, let's get a move on! I don't fancy been turned to stone." In a flash, an idea came to Bilbo. Judging by the sky, (Hobbits were good at astronomy) there was only around 45 minutes until dawn broke. This meant, that if he could just keep the trolls occupied until then, they would turn to stone. But how to go about it?

"Wait!" He yelled, leaping up from the ground in his sack. "You are making a terrible mistake." The Dwarves for some reason were actually opposed to this. "You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!" Wailed Dori from the spit. The spit turned revealing Bofur next to him. "Half-wits?" He said. "What does that make us?" Quarter-wits, Bilbo thought dryly.

"I meant with the…uh, with the…with the seasoning." He stuttered. Nosy looked rather offended. "What about the seasoning?" Yes Bilbo what about the seasoning, you haven't thought this far ahead! The perfect response came to mind. So Fili and Kili wanted to send him into danger? He'll deal with them properly later, for now he'll just bruise their egos. "Well, have you smelt them? You're gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up!" The Dwarves started protesting loudly and wishing death upon him in all manner of ways. It appears Dwalin hadn't finished his stew as all of his threats were oddly food related. "What do you know about cooking dwarf?" Hungry asked incredulous. Nosy however, was interested. "Shut up, and let the…uh, flurgerburburrahobbit talk." He hissed.

Bilbo's mind was blank. "Uh…the-the secret to cooking dwarf, is um…" He thought rapidly. "Yes? Come on." Nosy prompted eagerly.

"It's uh…"

"Tell us the secret!"

"Ye-yes, I'm telling you. The secret is…to…skin them first!" He mentally facepalmed. That just slipped out. He should have told the trolls to soak them in a cauldron filled with lukewarm water and lavender. Troll turn to stone and they all get a bath, two birds with one stone. "Tom, get me filleting knife." Nosy ordered. "What a load of wubbish! I've eaten plenty with their skins on. Scoff 'em I say, boots and all!" Hungry shouted.

"He's right! Nothing wrong with a bit o' raw dwarf. Nice and crunchy." Grabby agreed. Fittingly, he then grabbed Bombur. Think Bilbo think! "Uh…not…not that one, he…he's infected!" One of the trolls had a handkerchief, they might have hygiene as well. "You what?" Maybe not that intelligent but it has to count for something. The Dwarves don't use handkerchiefs! "Yeah he's got worms in his…tubes." With a cry of disgust, Grabby threw Bombur back onto the pile of Dwarves, his nose wrinkled in revolution. "In-in fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites, it's a terrible business, I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't." He shook his head as if he was actually concerned for the trolls' wellbeing and sighed. "Parasites? Did he say parasites?" Shouted Oin offended. "Yeah, we don't have parasites! You have parasites!" Kili wailed. Bilbo rolled his eyes in exasperation and glared pointedly at Thorin. It appears that the Dwarf king has more brains than Fili and Kili put together as he kicked Kili. That was a very smart thing to do for lots of reasons. Firstly, the Dwarf youngster deserved it and he finally caught on to Bilbo's plan. Either way, cookies for Thorin. "I've got parasites as big as my arm!" Yelled Oin extremely loudly and obviously. Not to be outdone, Kili began screeching as well. "Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!" He shouted at the trolls. The Dwarves on the spit decided to join in as well with cries of "We're riddled!" and "Yes, I'm riddled!" and "Yes, we are, badly!" Hungry didn't seem very convinced. "What would you have us do then? Let 'em all go?" Bilbo tried not to push his luck. "Well…"

"You think I don't know what you're up to. This little ferret is taking us for fools!" Hungry said accusingly. Two of them actually were offended by that. "Ferret?" Said Bilbo.

"Fools?" Said Nosy.

Suddenly, a familiar, grey robed figure crested the large boulder nearby. "The dawn will take you all!" He exclaimed in his most impressive wizard voice before bringing down his staff dramatically and splitting the boulder down the middle. "Who's that?" Asked Hungry.

"No idea." Said Nosy.

"Can we eat him too?" Asked Tom. As soon as he had said this, the sunlight hit them and they all turned to stone. "Ooh, get your foot out of my back!" Dwalin groaned. No one would know if Bilbo secretly wished that the trolls had eaten Gandalf.

Gandalf went to have a conversation with Thorin before leading some of the Dwarves into the cave where the troll hoard was kept. Bilbo's 'gentlehobbit' nose demanded that he stay out of the cave which he felt rather saddened by as he rather wanted to see if he could finally get his hands on some weapons. As he waited with the rest of the Dwarves with the others, he walked over to the trees and looked around. Hearing two soft thuds behind him, he slowly turned around. " ** _Hello Father!_** " Two voices choroused in synchrony. A wide grin spread across his face and he lunged forward and wrapped the twin Hobbits in an embrace. " _ **Father…**_ " Croaked the male one. " ** _I cannot breathe!_** " He reluctantly loosened his grip and stepped back. " _ **Son… Daughter… What are you doing here?**_ " His daughter grinned mischievously and leant backwards onto a nearby tree, her hand playing with the string of her bow. " _ **We came to see you of course Father dearest!**_ " She laughed. " _ **You and these Dwarves of yours! Why do you ask? Do you not wish for us to be here?**_ " Her brother put on an exaggerated pout. " _ **If that is the case then we'll leave!**_ " He said turning dramatically, " _ **We know when we are not wanted.**_ " Bilbo just laughed, having missed their antics often during his journey. Then he paused. " _ **Please tell me that you did not see that kerfuffle with the trolls whilst you were nesting in the trees!**_ " He asked horrified. The wicked smiles spreading across their faces told him otherwise and he groaned. " ** _Why Father._** " His son said with false offence. " ** _We never knew that you ate Dwarves!_** " His daughter finished.

" _ **What other races have you got stocked in the pantries at Bag End?**_ " They said together. " _ **Elf soup?**_ "

" _ **Orc pie?**_ "

" _ **Man stew?**_ "

" ** _The missing blue wizards?_** "

" _ **Alright that is enough!**_ " He laughed putting a stop to the tirade of alternating sentences. His son smirked. " ** _We were going to drop in and help._** " He said cheekily. " _ **But you looked like you had it all under control.**_ " His daughter giggled. Bilbo just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. " _ **Now I am remembering why I left!**_ " They all laughed uproariously, the twins grabbing onto one another to steady themselves. " _ **Now to bring some seriousness to this conversation,**_ " he said. " ** _How is the Shire faring in my absence?_** " They immediately stood up straighter. " ** _Everything is fine and under control._** " His daughter reported. " ** _You letters and avian message were received, read and understood. The Thain in doing a fine job of ruling and everybody is prosperous. 5 new Rounders have joined the ranks and are learning quickly. No adverse news has been reported by the Knowledge Gatherers other than rising skirmishes with unturned Orcs._** " Bilbo nodded solemnly, nothing new was happening then which was very good.

" ** _And what of the Necromancer?_** " He asked. " ** _Has Azog brought any news?_** " His son nodded. " _ **He is growing in strength by the day but his eye is not upon the Shire. He does, however, intend to prevent you and the company from reaching Erebor. He also has sent Azog to collect his 'prize'. Azog is thought by all of the unturned to desire the head of the heir of the line of Durin. He is pretending to be hunting your company with this purpose and knows that Thorin will attempt to kill him should he be seen. The Eagles know that Gandalf will probably call them to rescue you if you are cornered and promise to only kill the unturned if it comes to blows.**_ " That seemed reasonable, although it would be difficult to pretend not to know Azog. He would have to send him a message with a bird…

Shaking his head vigorously, Bilbo smiled at his children and beckoned. " ** _How about I introduce you to the company as some Bounders. We are not over the edge of the wild so it will not seem very suspicious to Gandalf._** " He smiled happily. " _ **Maybe Thorin will allow you to come on the quest with us!**_ " His daughter smiled, " ** _He will!_** "

" ** _He'd better!_** " His son laughed, " ** _Or we'll throw a conker at him._** " Bilbo told them to wait in the trees until he gave a signal and then to drop down. " ** _Let's give them a bit of a fright._** " He smirked. " ** _They did after all, eat my prize winning tomatoes._** " Chuckling to themselves, the twins shot back up into the leaves and Bilbo trotted out of the woods and over to Gandalf who had emerged from the cave calling his name.

"Here." Gandalf said, offering him a short sword. "This is about your size." Bilbo almost cried with happiness, he wanted to grab the sword and swing it around, test its weight, its balance and sharpness. Instead though, he had to refuse. Please be stubborn mothball, he pleaded in his head hearing telepathical giggles from the twins. "I can't take this." He said softly. Gandalf just smiled. "The blade is of Elvish make, which means it will glow blue when orcs or goblins are nearby." Useful he supposes. Unless of course he's somewhere dark and needs to be stealthy and not give away his position. "I have…I have never used a sword in my life." He said.

"Liar, liar feet on fire!" Came the mental harmony. Bilbo just sent them a mental image of him swatting them around the heads. "And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one." Bilbo could admit that it was sound advice. "Something's coming!" Thorin warned. An old man wearing dirty brown robes shot into the clearing on a large, rabbit drawn sleigh. Radagast! Bilbo quickly used his magic to send the old Istari a mental warning to not give away that he knew Bilbo. Radagast then went to talk to Gandalf as the twins watched and relayed their conversation mentally to Bilbo.

Out of the blue, a loud howl sounded on Bilbo's left. "Was that a wolf? Are there…are there wolves out there?" He asked nervously.

"Wolves? No, that is not a wolf." Bofur replied ominously. Two large wargs suddenly leapt from the undergrowth and snarled at the company. Kili, Thorin and Dwalin made quick work of them. When a third one jumped out from behind a tree. Before anyone could react, two arrows pierced its skull, killing it instantly. The Dwarves all whipped around to see the twins jump from the trees and land quietly on the leaves. Thorin immediately pointed his sword at them. "Who are you?" He growled.

"Thorin no!" Bilbo said running in between the sword and the twins. Who stood there calmly. "They're Hobbits!" The Dwarves all looked astounded. Dwalin looked begrudgingly grateful. "Sorry." He grunted. "You killed the warg. We are thankful." His son just waved it away.

"You are welcome." He said airily. "We always protect other Hobbits and their companions." The Dwarves relaxed slightly. Gandalf and Radagast looked slightly bemused at the side of the clearing. Bilbo cleared his throat. "Allow me to introduce Sago and Ren." He gestured to his son and daughter respectively. "If you wish for a longer version of their names in the language that Hobbit can only remember names from, they are called **_Sssahguhoh_** and **_Arainu_**. Please just call them Sago and Ren. They are Bounders of the Shire." Bofur spoke up first. "What are Bounders? And do Hobbits have their own language?"

Bilbo answered the second question first. "Hobbits used to have a language." He said. "But it died out after the Wandering days. Only names and a few other odd words have stayed in use. Bounders are a defence force that work for my cousin, the Thain." The second answer got a large reaction from Thorin and Balin. "You are related to the ruler of the Hobbits?" Balin gasped suddenly pale. Gandalf decided to step in. "The Thain is not the ruler of the Hobbits as Hobbits don't have one official ruler. He merely is the Hobbit who would hypothetically command the military if there was ever to be a battle. The Bounders merely watch the borders of the Shire. The Rangers are the ones that truly protect the Shire." The Dwarves relaxed although thought that Gandalf wasn't being entirely truthful about the Bounders judging by the frowns on the twins' faces. "Anyway…" Sago said. "We also need to tell you that you are being hunted by Orcs who are very close."

"I'll draw them off." Said Radagast bravely so that the Dwarves could cross the plains. "These are Gundabad wargs. They will outrun you!" Gandalf protested. "These are Rhosgobel rabbits." Radagast replied. "I'd like to see them try."

 **…**

 **I've decided to end that extremely long chapter there and hope that it makes up for the long space in between this and the previous chapter. Would you like me to try and make all future chapters longer? Please drop me a review telling me what you think. The twins have arrived (by popular vote). Were the names I picked out okay? I suppose that I will see you all in the next chapter! Sssaii eyeohyou sssohohnu! (See you soon!)**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	9. Ren!: Some skills are revealed

**AHHHHHHHH! I. AM. SO. SORRY. FOR. LEAVING. THIS. CHAPTER. FOR. MONTHS! I hope that you all will forgive me and I will try to make it up to you. Truth be told, this story completely slipped my mind and I feel horrible now for forgetting about it. So I will endeavour to make it up to you with long chapters and (hopefully) more frequent updates. I do not own the Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings.**

 _Sindarin_

 **Khuzdul**

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **…**

With that statement, Radagast leapt onto his sleigh and flew onto the plain. Bilbo's ears picked up the sound of maniacal laughter as Radagast dodged Orcs left and right, his rabbits' agility far surpassing that of the Wargs that the Orcs were mounted upon. Not one to let this opportunity go to waste, Gandalf hurridley ushered the Dwarves onto the plain, pressing against the tors dotting the landscape any time an Orc came near. Bilbo ran after them, not particularly caring about keeping up the 'slow show' as he called it, if his life was at risk. The twins ran steadily next to him, their pace swift. Gandalf once again stopped the Dwarves as the sleigh passed, but everyone's breath hitched as an Orc upon a Warg crested the rock under which they hid. Thorin gave Kili a sharp nod which the younger Dwarf returned before stepping out from behind the rock and shooting the Orc. It tumbled off the rock and upon landing, was swiftly decapitated by Dwalin. However, it was too late and the Orc's dying scream echoed across the plain. Gandalf looked panicked. "Move. RUN!" He shouted and sprinted out from behind the tor and across the lowlands.

The Dwarves did not need anymore prompting and followed suit, with Bilbo bringing up the rear. Gandalf had since disappeared behind another rock, one which Bilbo knew hid the entrance to Rivendell, but the Dwarves did not. "Where is Gandalf?" Kili asked Thorin.

"He has abandoned us!" Growled Dwalin. Thorin shouted for them to hold their ground when Gandalf reappeared from behind the rock. "This way, you fools!" He shouted. Thorin yelled for them all to go and the Dwarves began sprinting towards the rock. Suddenly, the world seemed to slow down and with horror, Bilbo noticed Kili and the young Dwarf Ori would not be able to make it. Thorin noticed as well and screamed at Kili to shoot them, Bilbo could see the fear in his eyes for his kin. His resolve strengthened, he and the twins stepped forward and began running full pelt towards the Orcs chasing the younger Dwarves. Thorin shouted after them to come back but Bilbo didn't care, he knows what it is like to lose a loved one and he will not let Thorin and Fili experience more of that pain if they can help it. Leaping towards the Orcs, whom they had noticed as unturned, Bilbo and the twins roared a Hobbitish battle cry, **_"For the Shire, Arda, and the honor of the Hetraii race!"_**

Bilbo unsheathed his new sword and stabbed the first Orc through the throat, before immediately pivoting on his right foot and decapitating another. The twins were working in perfect harmony, one slashed at an Orc while the other shot at a Warg. Ren somersaulted of a newly felled Warg and onto an Orc that was behind Bilbo. **_"I was about to handle him!"_** Bilbo grinned at her. Sago appeared to his left and laughed. **_"I am sure that you were Father."_**

Bilbo's sword was an extension of his arm, the cold iron blade flitting from enemy to enemy as they fell faster than hail on a stormy day. Ren swiftly killed the Orcs with a flourish of her daggers, her dark hair flowing behind her as she gracefully subdued those opposing her. Sago kicked and punched, his longsword left in the skull of a dead Warg. Bilbo heard Ren scream and whipped around. "LOOK OUT!" She had said as an Orc made to kill Ori. Knowing that Kili would be too late as he fought an foe of his own, she threw herself in front of the blade aimed for Ori. Bilbo let out a heart-wrenching cry as it pierced her side and went into a frenzy, fighting with every ounce of physical strength he possessed. Sago had forsaken his own fight, running to his sister. Bilbo reached them quickly and fell to his knees next to his son. Sago looked at him, tearful. **_"Will… will she be alright… Father?"_** Bilbo carefully examined her, and let out a sound that was half a sigh of relief, half a sob. **_"She will recover," he said, "but we must get her to Imladris, Lord Elrond will be able to help her."_**

Lifting his daughter into his arms, he turned to Ori who was sobbing his heart out. "It… This is all upon me. If I hadn't… If I wasn't." Bilbo walked over to comfort him. "Do not worry Ori, she is fine and will not regret saving you." He stood up again only to be nearly bowled over by a frantic Dori, Nori only a few steps behind. Thorin and Fili had gone to Kili and were checking him discreetly for wounds. Thorin then turned to Bilbo. "You ran into battle, why?" Bilbo frowned, "Do I need an explanation? I could not stand by and watch members of this company die, or have you forgotten that I too am a member?" Thorin looked contrite. His eyes then fell upon Ren's unconscious form. "What happened?" He said sharply. Ori stood shakily.

"She took a blade for me." Thorin's gaze softened and he graced Ren with a small smile. "Then we are grateful." He paused, "for your braver..." But Gandalf interrupted him. "Well as it appears that all the Orcs have been defeated, do you wish to follow the tunnel I have discovered?" Bofur looked at Gandalf as if he had sprouted a mushroom from his robes, with the state of them, it was a possibility. "Follow it of course!" He said, and with that, the Dwarves and the three Hobbits set off.

As they walked through the tunnel, Bilbo and Sago felt the magical aura around them swell and heighten. They both took a deep, refreshing breath, allowing the magic to soothe their frayed nerves and fill them with calm energy. Sago smiled, _**"I will never tire of this feeling."**_ Bilbo silently agreed. As they came out of the tunnel, they stood upon a rocky outcrop, overlooking the hidden valley. "The Valley of Imladris. In the Common Tongue, it's known by another name." Gandalf informed the Dwarves.

"Rivendell…" Bilbo breathed, gazing around in awe. While it was not a new sight to the Archthain of the Shire, it still managed to take his breath away, every time. "Here lies the last homely house east of the sea." Gandalf continued. Thorin was livid. "This was your plan all along, to seek refuge with our enemy."

"You have no enemies here, Thorin Oakenshield. The only ill-will to be found in this valley is that which you bring yourself." Bilbo supposed that the wizard had a point although he doubted it would get through Thorin's abnormally thick skull. "You think the elves will give our quest their blessing? They will try to stop us." He was correct.

"Of course they will. But we have questions that need to be answered. If we are to be successful, this will need to be handled with tact and respect and no small degree of charm, which is why you will leave the talking to me." What is Gandalf going to do, annoy the poor elves into discarding the safety of Middle Earth? Probably.

They crossed the bridge slowly, taking in the scenery as they passed. When they reached the courtyard, a young elf swept down the steps to greet Gandalf. Just as Gandalf pleasantly asked the elf where Lord Elrond was, a loud horn echoed through the hills. A hunting party came through the gates, led by none other than Lord Elrond himself. Gandalf stepped forward to greet him but Bilbo had got there first. _"My Lord,"_ he said, bowing the best he could with Ren in his arms, _"not that I do not wish to exchange formalities, but my daughter is badly wounded and I beg the help of your healers. Please, allow us to finish introductions later if you grant us a place to rest."_ Lord Elrond seemed surprised by his use of Sindarin but Bilbo had a cover story. _"You speak Sindarin?"_ Elrond asked, intrigued.

 _"_ _I am a scholar at heart my Lord and I studied the language for many years."_ It was not an exact lie. Lord Elrond took one glance at Ren and straightened. "I need another healer," he ordered, "this girl is injured and I need another to assist me. Master Hobbit, please follow me to the halls of healing." He then swept off with Bilbo and Sago, leaving the elven attendant to see the Dwarves to their rooms.

Later that evening, Bilbo returned to the Company. Sago had stayed behind with his sister. "Bilbo!" Ori called. "Is she alright?" Bilbo collapsed into a nearby chair, "She will recover." Thorin looked at him with an unreadable expression. "When she wakes, I wish to thank her for saving one of our own." Bilbo nodded. Then he looked at Ori and Kili, "May I talk to the both of you? Just for a few minutes." They agreed and he lead them to a private corner. "Listen." He said. "The others were busy with their own enemies so they did not see but I know that the two of you did. PLease, I beg of you, do not tell the others of what you saw. I wish to earn their trust without fighting skills." Kili and Ori nodded and promised that they would not speak a word. Kili then spoke up. "Mr Boggins? How did you learn to fight so well?" Bilbo just smiled secretively. "All in due time."

 **…**

 **I hope that this was enough to make up for the lack of updates. This isn't one of my best chapters as I just could not figure out what to write. However, we got there in the end. I hope that you enjoyed the beginnings of the reveal!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	10. Exploration: Bilbo & Thorin have a talk

**Well hello again! I was reviewing my timetable and realised that I had time on all but 1 Wednesday evening every month so I could update then! The problem is, that I get easily distracted and have the memory of a goldfish. Case in point, the sentence you are now reading is being written and hour after the sentence before it. I will try to keep up. Hope you enjoy the chapter! I do not own the Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings.**

 _Sindarin_

 **Khuzdul**

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **…**

Bilbo sat quietly in the corner of the room in which the rest of the Dwarves were eating and laughing together. Sago sat with him, his son hadn't touched his plate. Bilbo looked sadly at him, **_"Son you need to eat something…"_** Sago shook his head mutely. Bilbo sighed. Whenever his son was worried or upset about something, he refused to eat and was silent. Bilbo had tried many times to break him of this habit but to no avail. _**"Please… for me?"**_ Sago just shook his head again. Bilbo put an arm around Sago's shoulders and thought about Ren. His appetite suddenly left him and he walked over to the fire and gave Bombur both of the plates back. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, the Dwarves having gone silent when he walked over. "We're just not particularly…" Bombur nodded. "It's alright lad, I understand." Bilbo graced him with a watery smile and trudged back to his corner. The Dwarves gathered that Hobbits were family and community orientated creatures and therefore, Bilbo was strongly upset by Ren's injury. Sago looked devastated.

Later that night, as the Dwarves snored, Bilbo sat awake on his mat, keeping watch over Sago. Thorin was sitting near the fire. He did not trust the elves any further away from him then what was within stabbing distance and had set a watch for that night. Bilbo stroked Sago's hair gently as his son stirred in his sleep, a small murmur of "No…" coming from his lips. He soon calmed, and Bilbo found himself walking over to the fire and sitting opposite Thorin. "He has had a bad experience?" Thorin muttered to him, his low voice almost incomprehensible even to Bilbo's enhanced hearing. Bilbo restrained himself from rolling his eyes, even with his daughter wounded, he still had his sarcastic streak. Other than his sister being gravely wounded recently Thorin! Instead, he said, "Their mother died when they were rather young, around 12. In dwarven years they would have been… 48?" Thorin looked at him in sadness, his eyes widening minutely. "So young… Fili and Kili lost their father as Dwarflings as well… I did my best to stand in for him but I can't but feel that I did an Orc-worthy job." He said. Bilbo started, Thorin appeared to be trusting him with this information! Something he seemed not to have shared with anyone else if his tone was to be taken seriously. "Yes… I suppose that hardship cannot be avoided by any of us. But I do not understand, why would you tell me your troubles?"

"Because you seem to care for him, the same way I care for my sister-sons." Bilbo smiled and they both eased into a comfortable silence, in which they stayed until morning.

The next few days were spent wandering around Rivendell, visiting Ren and trying to get Sago to eat something. After a few days, he succeeded in his third task and began to worry less. Bilbo currently was in the great library of Imladris, a glorious utopia of knowledge. He only wished Ren could see it with him, she adored reading and would have sat in the library for hours on end with the books contained there, just soaking up the information like moss in the rain. But, she was still unconscious in the healers' wing.

At dusk, Bilbo was asked by Thorin to come with him, Balin and Gandalf to meet with Lord Elrond and see if they could decipher the riddle that was the map. The conversation that took place by the fire on their first night in Rivendell had drawn the two closer together, and they had bonded over their care for their young charges. Following Thorin, he stared in wonder as they came out onto a beautiful rocky ledge, the moon shining down on them and a crystal plinth in the centre of the stone platform on which they stood.

"Our business is no concern of elves." Thorin growled. Gandalf looked exasperated. "For goodness sake, Thorin, show him the map." No need to get snippy Gandalf, Bilbo thought snarkily.

"It is the legacy of my people; it is mine to protect, as are its secrets." Thorin replied, adamant. Bilbo sighed to himself and was going to calmly reason with Thorin when Gandalf shoved his foot into his mouth. "Save me from the stubbornness of Dwarves. Your pride will be your downfall. You stand here in the presence of one of the few in Middle Earth who can read that map. Show it to Lord Elrond!" Bilbo nearly facepalmed. Stepping forward hastily, he took Thorin by the shoulders and said in a serious voice, "Thorin. I understand why you do not wish to show Lord Elrond the map, Thranduil had no right to treat the Dwarves that way. However, Elrond had nothing to do with it and didn't hear of the fall of Erebor until many weeks after it's destruction, if he had known he would have helped. Also, if he does help us with this map, will we not then be able to go back to Erebor and reclaim what was lost, therefore achieving a feat Thranduil never could and lacked the courage to attempt?" Thorin looked at Bilbo with pain in his eyes before smiling slightly and bowing his head in defeat. He then reached into the pocket of his tunic and removed the map, passing to the waiting Elf Lord.

"Erebor." Elrond mused. "What is your interest in this map?" Thorin was about to answer but Gandalf once again intervened. "It's mainly academic. As you know, this sort of artifact sometimes contains hidden text. You still read ancient dwarvish, do you not?" Bilbo caught Thorin's gaze and rolled his eyes slightly, as if Lord Elrond would actually believe that the heir to the throne of Erebor would take a trope of twelve Dwarves, three Hobbits and a mangy old Wizard on a journey to Rivendell with an ancient map for reasons that were 'purely academic'. If Bilbo had possessed any less decorum, he would have split his sides with laughter. Elrond was examining the map. _"Cirth Ithil…"_ he murmured to himself as he turned the map over, holding it to the light. "Moon runes? Of course; an easy thing to miss." Gandalf translated, attempting to make himself appear smarter and more sophisticated as if he hadn't said himself in Bag-End that he did not have the skill to find the secrets of the map. "Well, in this case, that is true; moon runes can only be read by the light of a moon the same shape and season as the day on which they were written." Elrond announced, placating Gandalf's bruised ego.

Thorin looked meaningfully at the Elven Lord, "Can you read them?"

 **…**

 **I know this is a short chapter but I felt that there would be a good place to stop. I am happy to announce the return of Bilbo's Snark ™! I also hope that this chapter helped you all to get a bit of a grasp of the twins' characters. If you are wondering about how I got their ages in Dwarven years, I did the maths and approximated that it is the age of the person as a Human/Hobbit multiplied by 4. I would write down everything I did to work it out but it is complicated and makes my brain hurt XD. Please review, it really cheers me up and motivates me! Love you all!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	11. Moon Runes: Decipherings and Meetings

**Hello, it's me (again). I am back with another chapter and this is only a week after the last one as per my goal! Whoohoo! I just wanted to apologise in advance if this chapter is bad, I am a bit stuck. However, it is nearly Halloween and while I do not celebrate it, I just want to wish those who do a happy one! 3. I do not own the Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings.**

 _Sindarin_

 **Khuzdul**

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **…**

"These runes were written on a Midsummer's Eve by the light of a crescent moon nearly two hundred years ago." Lord Elrond said, walking to the crystal plinth. "It would seem you were meant to come to Rivendell. Fate is with you, Thorin Oakenshield; the same moon shines upon us tonight." Elrond placed the map gently upon the plinth, allowing the light of the moon to seep into the worn parchment, soaking in like fresh ink. Glowing, blue runes faded into view upon the map's surface. Elrond removed the map and stared at the letters before turning to face them. "Stand by the gray stone when the thrush knocks, and the setting sun with the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the keyhole." He murmured and Bilbo got the feeling that he hadn't actually meant to say that aloud. The Dwarves were standing stock still, looking awed, however Gandalf was shooting Bilbo an odd look. Of course! He wasn't supposed to know what Durin's day was! "Durin's Day?" He said, inquisitively.

Gandalf look rather pleased with himself as he answered. "It is the start of the Dwarves' new year, when the last Moon of Autumn and the first Sun of Winter appear in the sky together." Glad to have mollified your over inflated head Gandalf, probably why you always wear that ridiculous hat anyway. Although, the wizard had forgotten to mention how auspicious the day was for Dwarves, how they held an enormous celebration every year, how the halls of their forefathers were decorated extravagantly, how the official coronation of Kings was always upon that day, how laughter filled the day and song filled the night. Magic was also far more potent upon that day as the light of the Sun and Moon combined allowed for a far wider range of spells. The four solstices and the two equinoxes were the auspicious days for Hobbits as they also increase their magical capacity.

"This is ill news. Summer is passing. Durin's day will soon be upon us." At Thorin's words, Bilbo nearly leapt a foot in the air. Judging by Thorin's tone and the weather outside, the Autumnal equinox would also be soon upon them. Sooner than Durin's day. He will need to start making preparations… Balin gave Thorin a thoughtful glance. "We still have time." Bilbo forcibly shook himself out of his stupor, he needs to get his act together. "Time? For what?" Balin turned to him, "To find the entrance. We have to be standing at exactly the right spot at exactly the right time. Then, and only then, can the door be opened." That makes a lot of sense. And at least they have a key this time, Bilbo knew of Khazad-Dum, Hobbits had the most thorough accounts of history in Arda, honestly though, leaving your password as a riddle, everyone will have forgotten it by now, pedo mellon a minno or speak friend and enter. Sometimes he had to refrain from sighing at the stupidity of some people.

"So this is your purpose, to enter the Mountain?" I guess your oh so clever ruse failed then Gandalf? "What of it?" Thorin grunted brusquely. Elrond gave Gandalf a meaningful look out of the corner of his eye, "There are some who would not deem it wise." Bilbo let his eyes widen minutely, if that referenced who he thought it did then they could be in serious trouble. Thorin took back the map a little roughly and stood glaring at anything that moved. "What do you mean?" Did Gandalf actually say that? If Bilbo was Elrond he would have rolled his eyes so much that they would have come loose and fallen onto the floor at this point. "You are not the only guardian to stand watch over Middle Earth." With that sentence, Elrond, the Dwarves and Bilbo left with varying degrees of grace, leaving Gandalf alone on the balcony.

Bilbo knew of the White Council and he therefore knew what Elrond had meant by his previous statement. Only one of the council members knew the truth of Hobbits, but the Lady of Light had been sworn to secrecy. The Elves of Lothlorien had a rather prosperous trade agreement with the Hobbits, the Elves baked Lembas waybread and fashioned their incredibly light clothing, made with Elven magic that the Hobbits did not possess. In return, the Hobbits fashioned carvings of stone and wood for their magical city and Hobbits would pass through Lothlorien to sell their magical wares, protective amulets for the Elflings, enchanted cloaks and household equipment, ingredients for medicines that could only be found in the Shire were traded for the same things from the Elves. Hobbits were permitted to stay in Lothlorien and study using their Great Library of Elven spells, the young students that took up this offer were spectacular cooks and that settled the deal. The other Elves of the world did not have any knowledge of the Hobbits' true nature and many didn't know of Hobbits at all!

By chance, he managed to come across the Lady Galadriel as she walked through Rivendell's beautiful rose gardens. Seeing him, she turned around and smiled before curtseying gracefully. As she did so, Bilbo bowed. _"My Lady, it brings a great warmth to my heart to have my eyes graced with your ethereal beauty once again. The sun and stars dim in their glory, knowing that you O Lady, shine with a far greater light."_ He said once they had both risen. Galadriel's laughter rang like bells around the garden. _"Hush Bilbo, you know how irritating I find the looks of adoration from my own people, I had come to the belief that we were Mellyn!"_ Bilbo's laughter joined the sound of hers as he threw his head back and shouted his joy at seeing his friend again to the heavens. _"Well,"_ he said once they had both regained their breath, _"I can hardly pass up the opportunity to tease you Mellon nin! After all, we have not seen each other for what feels to me like an age and a half and it will be longer until our paths meet again after this meeting."_

 _"Oh so noble Mellon! Need I remind you of your own reputation? Archon Bilbo Baggins, the most powerful Hobbit to walk amongst the hills of the Shire! His prowess with both blade and bow could bring the Dark Lord Sauron to his ironclad knees were he still living. His talent with the mystic arts of his people can crush mountains and cause new ones to rise in its place. The trees sing of his might and the air whispers of his deeds. Wherever he walks, he is shrouded in mystery..."_

 _"Alright! Your point has been made!"_ Bilbo cut her off quickly, feeling the tips of his ear heat up. He scratched the back of his neck before once again facing his laughing friend. He then sighed. _"You would not be as humored if you were in my position Galadriel."_ He admitted softly. Galadriel's laughter had died down and she looked concerned. _"What troubles you Mellon nin?"_ Feeling that he needed to confide in someone as the worry was going to eat at him from the inside without Molly Gamgee to talk to, he raised his head. _"Ren and Sago followed me upon the journey Galadriel."_ Galadriel gasped, her hand immediately pulling him down and sitting him upon the grass before gracefully lowering herself down to sit next to him. _"But they are not yet of age!"_ Bilbo nodded miserably.

 _"We were in a precarious situation, I was unable to send them back and I most definitely cannot now, Ren is injured and has to stay in Rivendell."_ Galadriel was horrified, _"I will stay in Rivendell until she has recovered if that will ease your mind but you must first assure me that whoever hurt her is dead."_ There was a fire in her gaze. _"Killed the filth myself."_ He replied. _"And it would take a weight of my mind should you stay."_ He put his head in his hands. _"They are but fifteen and on a dangerous quest! I am a failure as a father, if Rosabella still walked this Earth this would never have occured, she was always the more competent of the two of us, I cannot believe I…"_

 _"Bilbo do not let me ever hear you talk of yourself that way again! Those children adore you and they do their very best to mind your words they just slip from time to time, we all do. Now breathe in and retreat into your mind, go to the source of your power and submerge yourself. You need to calm yourself and order your mind."_ Bilbo obeyed, one does not simply argue with the Lady of Light. Retreating into his mindspace and memories, he saw that the mental haven he had created was in disarray, with memories floating all over the place, free from the tight and orderly confines in which he kept them. His mind supplied him with these images and beings that possess magic are able to retreat into the inmost depths of their mind as their magic almost… personifies their thoughts. They use their power to arrange these thoughts in any way they wish and have a faster memory recall than the races that lack magical power. Bilbo's mind was arranged as his study in Bag-End, the memories that did not hold much meaning stored in jars in a cabinet, the other memories stored in books on shelves around the room, their contents all having a specific similarity. Once your mind was accustomed to its layout, it would order itself but many Hobbits find it therapeutic to order their minds manually in the evenings. Bilbo had not had time to do this on the journey and his inner mindspace had suffered.

Slowly and meticulously, he collected the loose memories and placed them in the correct area. He then opened the top draw of his desk, inside was a key. Grasping it, he walked over to one of the bookshelves and placed the key in between two categories. The door unlocked, he walked towards the glowing sphere of light in the centre of the room beyond. Submerging himself deep within it, he allowed his own magic to flow through his veins and fell into a calm meditation.

Galadriel smiled softly from where she sat as she watched Bilbo's hair begin to blow of its own accord and felt the air around them become fresher from the purifying nature of his magic. Sinking into her own mind, she relished the peacefulness.

They both emerged from their trances as the sun began to set, casting long shadows over where they sat, the sky a tapestry of gold, orange, purple and deep blue. Rising from where they were seated, they bid each other farewell and went their separate ways, returning to their own rooms.

 _ **"Father!"**_ Sago exclaimed when he saw Bilbo enter the room where they and the Dwarves were staying with a content expression on his face. **_"Where did you go? The Dwarves were nearly frantic, muttering darkly about how those 'wretched elves' and how they had 'swooped in and grabbed 'im before we noticed.'"_** Bilbo laughed again and shook his head.

 _ **"Those Dwarves and their grudges against Elves."**_ He muttered, **_"They would think an Elf had taken me if I so much as went to use the privy without notifying them first!"_** Sago laughed as well and followed Bilbo to the mats that the Dwarves had insisted they sleep upon. **_"So where were you?"_** Bilbo tapped his nose and winked. **_"Wandering you nosy rascal."_** Sago pouted and Bilbo ruffled his hair. **_"It is wonderful to see you in better spirits. Oh and if you haven't…"_** he added walking over to the campfire. **_"I would suggest going through your mind, it rather relaxes after a stressful few days."_**

 **…**

 **Done! I hope you like what I did with magic users being able to to retreat into a mental space. I got the inspiration from several Harry Potter fics I've read with similar ideas in but decided to incorporate some original ideas into it, like the relaxation and the effects as well as the idea that their minds have different layouts due to their magic and that it must supply these images in order to work efficiently, a person's magic is a sort of separate entity that is one with the wielder. I just really loved the idea and thought it would be relevant to the Hobbits' true natures to have something like it in there I hope it's alright. I also made the twins 15 as they are therefore rather young and will have more weaknesses and Bilbo can be more protective of them. Sago has cheered up more as he went to visit Ren and could tell for himself that she was going to be alright so he is more reassured. Thank you so much for reading!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	12. Giants: Stone Giants!

***Sobs* I'm so sorry. I am on the second week and have already failed in my goal. I should have updated yesterday and didn't and I apologise. So now for a day late, Happy Halloween? Now that I have apologised, I will give thee a new update as an apology. I don't own the Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings (If I did it would be an absolute disaster.)**

 _Sindarin_

 **Khuzdul**

 _ **Hobbitish**_

 **…**

Bilbo sat semi-contentedly with Sago, humming a Hobbit folk tune under his breath as he smoked. The Dwarves were far more relaxed around them, now that Ren had saved one of their own, and he was happily listening to his son having an avid conversation with Kili over archery and what type of fletching was best upon an arrow. The Company's peace was disturbed however, when Gandalf threw open the door to the balcony on which they stayed and made an announcement. "The White Council is gathering in an hour, Saruman will try to disband our quest. It is best that you leave now, while you still can. I cannot come with you but I will meet you further along the road. Hurry now!" The Dwarves scrambled to their feet and began packing their bags as fast as they could. Bilbo discretely waved his hand, causing his bag to pack itself and pulled Sago aside. **_"Father?"_** Sago asked confused. Bilbo sighed and rubbed his face with one hand. **_"Sago I want you to stay…"_** Sago opened his mouth to interrupt. **_"No questions."_** Bilbo muttered. **_"I understand that you wish to come on the journey with us and while I would very much love to send you back to the Shire immediately, I know that the only way to ensure you get there and stay there is to take you there myself and I cannot do that. I know you will follow us so I am asking you to stay until your sister is healed."_** Sago looked at him in surprise. **_"I was about to ask the same question of you actually."_** He said. **_"You know that I would walk into Mordor for Ren so I do not see why you felt the need to require this."_** He paused. ** _"Thank you for allowing me to come with you."_** Bilbo grinned.

 ** _"You would have come no matter what I said."_** Sago looked innocent.

 _ **"Maybe so, maybe not."**_ Bilbo cuffed him teasingly around the head and pushed him towards his own bag. _**"Off with you scamp. Just because you are not coming does not mean that you can leave your belongings in such a state of untidiness as that compost heap."**_ Sago laughed as he began tidying. Bilbo thought with a hint of sadness about how much his faunt had grown and how much his laugh rang like Rosabella's. But that was all in the past; what was important was to focus on reclaiming the mountain. Waving goodbye to Sago, Bilbo left with the other Dwarves from the room and leaving Rivendell. "Is he not coming with us Mister Boggins?" Kili asked. Bilbo shook his head lightly, the dark haired archer had become great friends with Sago during the hours spent by the fire in the evenings of their stay. "First of all, it's Baggins Master Kili. And he will be coming with us, he is staying with his sister until she is well." Kili nodded understanding, he would have stayed if Fili was wounded as well. Thorin handed the leading of the Company over to Balin as they trekked through the wilds and fell back slightly to talk with them. "When do you think she will be well?" Bilbo sighed and looked at the floor.

"I do not know, it depends on whether the wound was poisoned or not. If it was, which Lord Elrond highly doubts, then the speed of her recovery will be inhibited. If not, then she should be up in a few days. She will just have to refrain from strenuous activity or getting stabbed again." He cracked a quick smile before staring at the floor again. Thorin gave him a calculating glance, "You care for her." It was not a statement and Bilbo nodded. "Why?" Thorin asked. Bilbo raised his head and paused. "It is the same reason you care for all of the Dwarves in your kingdom, you are worried when they are hurt badly. You are either older, or in charge, you feel a sense of responsibility." Thorin looked surprised that Bilbo had interpreted his care for the Company so well. "You understand."

"Yes. I do." Thorin decided to cheer Bilbo up, the Hobbit may be soft and weak but he was one of the company and he and his people had just risked their lives to help one of his own. "Master Baggins." He began.

"Bilbo." Bilbo said.

"In that case, you may refer to me as Thorin."

"Right."

Bilbo didn't know what Thorin was going to try and say but he could tell it was going to be more than idle chatter. "Bilbo," Thorin said. "You appear to know them rather well, have you known them a long time?" Bilbo nodded and smiled, "Since the day they came into the world." He replied. "Sago is getting on rather well with your youngest nephew." Thorin smiled and looked fondly at Kili who had left them and was engaged in an avid conversation with Fili. "It is nice to see him forming bonds easily." Bilbo hummed and glanced at the two young Dwarves laughing. "I feel rather old to be honest, he has grown so much."

"I know the feeling well." Thorin laughed. "And yet I have seen him grow 72 years instead of," he looked at Bilbo. "How old is Sago?" Bilbo grinned at the Dwarf King. "15." He replied. He sensed that Thorin and he could become good friends. "I'm rather jealous of you, you know." He said. Thorin frowned at him, "Why?" Bilbo laughed loudly.

"Your line is reputed for great, noble and song worthy deeds. I am known as the descendant of the Hobbit that created golf!"

"How did your ancestor do that?" Thorin asked intrigued. Bilbo shook his head and said with a red face. "He swung a club and took off the Goblin King's head. It fell down a rabbit hole." Thorin's laughter echoed like thunder around the mountains. "That is indeed a story for the Hearth!" Bilbo's laugh soon joined his and they spoke companionably until nightfall.

A few days into the journey saw the company being pelted with thick sheets of rain as thunder shook the stone spears towering around them. A large boulder came flying towards them and after it impacted, they saw one of the mountains stand. A stone giant. Bilbo had had to deal with one of these before and it wasn't easy. The Elves may have tales of him being able to defeat Sauron but that wasn't accurate. Maybe if Sauron was very weak he could detain or capture him, maybe knock him out but he could never kill him. If there were more of these giants then they could be in trouble, he couldn't use magic without giving himself away. "This is no thunderstorm! It's a thunder battle! Look!" Balin shouted, fighting to be heard over the howling winds. Bofur looked astounded. "Well, bless me! The legends are true! Giants; stone giants!" Bilbo had an instinct to be sarcastic when caught in a problem. "Just in case we didn't notice that they were giant and made of stone." He muttered. Thorin snorted before bellowing at the rest of the Company, "Take cover, you'll fall!" To Bilbo's dismay, the ground beneath their feet began to split and shake. He came to the revelation that they were standing upon another stone giant. "Sweet Yavanna." He groaned. He could tell that they were in for a rough few hours. "Kili, grab my hand! Kili!" He heard from the front and saw that the crack had widened with one half of the Company being on a separate leg to the other. Thorin had moved forwards to lead the Company and now Bilbo was stuck with several other Dwarves, upon the moving knee of a stone giant.

The giant they were standing on received several fists to the face and Bilbo saw the stone of the mountain rising up rapidly to meet him. Then he felt a sharp pain in his ankle and the next thing he knew, he was dangling off the side of the mountain. "NO!" He heard Thorin scream, of course, one of his nephews was on the same kneecap as him. "It's alright! They're alive!" Gloin yelled joyously. Bilbo suddenly heard a shout from above him. "Where's Bilbo?" He made a weak noise in the back of his throat, all of his strength going into not falling. Seeing Bofur's face above him, he offered a pained smile. Bofur made a noise of horror and began trying to pull him up. Bilbo could not hang on to the slippery rock and one of his hands fell to his side. He felt a pressure on the small of his back and moved his head just in time to see Thorin next to him before a hand grasped the back of his coat and he was pulled onto the ground. He turned around, regretting it once his ankle twinged violently to see his new friend being hauled up onto the mountain ledge by Dwalin. Dwalin sounded relieved, "I thought we'd lost our burglar." Thorin just nodded. "Now… we must find shelter."

They entered a damp, dank cave after 30 minutes of searching. "It looks safe enough." Dwalin said, prodding one of the rocks with the handle of his axe. Thorin frowned, "Search to the back; caves in mountains are seldom unoccupied." Dwalin conducted a quick search, lantern in hand before turning back, "There's nothing here." Gloin gleefully dropped a pile of soaked wood onto the floor before rubbing his hands together. "Right then! Let's get a fire started."

"No. No fires, not in this place. Get some sleep. We start at first light." Thorin barked. Bilbo could admit that he was right, although rather begrudgingly. "We were to wait in the mountains until Gandalf joined us. That was the plan." Balin said. "Plans change." Thorin replied ominously. "Bofur, take the first watch."

Later that night, as he lay awake, Bilbo pulled his sword gently from its scabbard by an inch. It was quite a handy little thing wasn't it? Then, shock flooded his veins as he noticed the blade shining blue. He barely had time to shout a warning, before the floor opened and they were swallowed by the depths of the mountain.

 **…**

 **Well that was fun! As you can all see, I have made Thorin and Bilbo have a stronger friendship so Thorin's insult didn't occur. I hope you enjoyed this! Next on Hobbits and Stupid Heroics… The Goblins, the Orcs and Gollum!**

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	13. Caves: Goblins and Orcs and Wargs OH MY!

EEEEEEEEE! I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY SORRY! I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THIS STORY AND HAVE LEFT IT FOR MONTHS (THE DOCUMENT SAYS I HAVEN'T EDITED IT FOR OVER A YEAR!) YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT I ABANDONED IT OR DIED OR SOMETHING! PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES MELLYN! AND I DON'T OWN THE HOBBIT, IF I DID I WOULDN'T BE SUCH AN AWFUL WRITER!

 **KHUZDUL**

 _SINDARIN_

 _ **HOBBITISH**_

…

Bilbo felt bumps and bruises erupt over his torso. He lifted his arms to cover his head, worried about using magic in close quarters. As he slid down the stone chute, ricocheting of the walls, he frantically tried to form a plan but it was useless. All he could think was GOBLINS GOBLINS GOBLINS BAD VERY BAD VERY VERY BAD! It wasn't as if he didn't like the Goblins, but they revealed who he truly was… As he and the Dwarves came to a halt by landing in a large pile on the floor of a cage-like contraption, he began to panic slightly. Almost immediately after landing, they were surrounded by Goblins, Goblins poking their bony fingers at them, Goblins searching them for weapons, Goblins jeering at the Dwarves' indignant shouts. Bilbo quickly ducked behind a stone outcropping as they were led through the tunnels. Sighing in relief, he walked backwards a few steps before slipping on a piece of loose rock and falling straight into a large crevice.

Using magic freely to cushion his fall, he landed softly in a dark cavern. He heard shuffling ahead and quickly pivoted to hide behind a rock. Doing his best to breathe quietly, he put all of his focus onto his hearing, attempting to listen to whatever was making that noise.

"No crunchy goblinses this time precious but we'll not starve no. No no no no no. We has fishes precious yessss. Yessssssssss we has."

The thing talking to itself in the gloom began to giggle maniacally, Bilbo had heard enough to distinguish that whatever it was, it was off its rocker. He heard the shuffling getting quieter and deduced that the thing, whatever it was, was leaving. He waited until it was completely silent, you can never be too careful, before using magic to blend with the surrounding rocks. The darkness in the cave should stop anyone from noticing his faint outline against the rocks. Poking his head around the rock and not noticing anything moving, he moved out from behind it and began to walk silently through the cavern. He paused, noticing a faint golden glint near his feet. Bending over to inspect it, and finding that it was a rather curious golden ring, his fingers brushed briefly against the cold, metal band. The second his skin came into contact with the ring, his line of sight was filled with a vision of a huge, fiery eye, casting fierce light on the surrounding rocks. He wrenched his fingers away from the ring, panting slightly as he stared in trepidation at the ring resting innocently on the floor, glinting at him coldly. There was only one reason that he would have that reaction to touching the ring.

It was a ring of power.

And the worst thing was, that it was almost certainly the one ring. He knew that it was not one of the Elven rings, as those were borne by the Lady Galadriel, Lord Elrond and, most frustratingly, Gandalf. Of the Dwarven rings, he knew that four of them had been destroyed by Dragons a long time ago. Regrettably, Sauron had found two of the remaining three. As for the last one, well, that one was currently in the possession of Thorin's father, Thráin II… although nobody knew where he was currently…

The rings of men had corrupted those who owned them and transformed them into the nine Nazgûl. They either remained in their owners' possession or had been taken by Sauron to further augment his power; either way, none of them were the ring lying before him.

But what to do with it? Bilbo cured quietly in Hobbitish before taking the handkerchief he had brought with him from his pocket (the fabric was as thick as Thorin's skull, Lobelia had very reluctantly made it for his 'coronation' of sorts,) and used it to pick up the ring. Wrapping the devilish object in the fabric, he placed it carefully into his pocket. Once he finished this quest, he would take a detour on his journey home and destroy the ring. Why was it always him who got into these messes? Straightening completely, he began to walk through the twisted paths of the cave before stumbling into a large cavern with a lake in the centre like a sheet of black glass. Realising that he didn't know the way out of the stone maze, he muttered a guidance spell under his breath. While Hobbitish was used for conversation, ancient Hobbitish was used for magic as the older the words, the more power they contained. **_"Guhyouihduhahnuceai."_** he murmured, placing his thumbs and forefingers into a triangular shape and thrusting them in front of him. A faint, glowing, green line that was visible only to him stretched from where his hands had been and disappeared into the shadows. He smiled to himself before following it through the twisting tunnels of the cave system.

Meanwhile in another part of the cave, the Dwarves were being herded along the narrow walkways of Goblin town by the horde of creatures around them. As they stumbled into a colossal cavern, which appeared to be serving as a throne room of sorts, the goblins around them walked forwards, dumping their weapons near the foot of the throne. Lounging upon said throne was the rather hideous figure of the goblin king, a grotesquely disproportionate figure who was slumped in his chair. The king rose with effort from his throne, leaning on an ugly skull-topped staff for support. "Who would be so bold as to come armed into my kingdom?" He grunted. "Spies? Thieves? Assassins?" He sounded increasingly paranoid with each addition to the list. One of the more weasley looking goblins scuttled forward. "Dwarves, your malevolence." The goblin said nasally.

"DWARVES?"

"We found them on the Front Porch." The goblin replied. The fact that the goblins had anything resembling a front porch was honestly surprising. "Well, don't just stand there!" The king screamed, "Search them! Every crack, every crevice!" As soon as the order was given, the goblins rushed forward and began grasping at every scrap of clothing they could, ensuring that the Dwarves were thoroughly searched. If they discovered anything, they destroyed it. Luckily, the map and key were not found by them. If they were, they were not considered a danger to the goblins. The goblin king shifted slightly where he stood. "What are you doing in these parts?" The Dwarves hesitated and the pause was all the goblin king needed to take their silence as defiance. "Very well, if they will not talk, we'll make them squawk! Bring out the mangler! Bring out the bone breaker!" With each sentence, the younger Dwarves in the company paled further. However the king's next words made every Dwarf feel a shot of terror.

"Start with the youngest."

The goblin was pointing at Ori, who was not only petrified but also wondering why it's always him that's singled out by the enemy. Immediately, Thorin stepped in front of Ori, pushing the younger Dwarf behind him where the other Dwarves formed a circle around them. "Wait!" The Dwarven King commanded, a slight hint of desperation in his voice.

"Well, well, well, look who it is! Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under The Mountain." The goblin bowed mockingly. "Oh, but I'm forgetting, you don't have a mountain. And you're not a king. Which makes you nobody,

really. But I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head. Just the head, nothing attached. Perhaps you know of whom I speak. A vengeful enemy of yours." Thorin stared at him in disbelief.

"Azog the Defiler was slain long ago." The king laughed horribly, giving the Dwarves a malicious smile. "Oh so you think he's dead?" He turned to a miniature goblin beside him in a hanging basket. "Send word to the White Orc. Tell him... I have found his prize."

The goblins were rifling through the Dwarrows' weapons and one stumbled upon Orcrist. Wrenching it out of its sheath, it screeched and hurled the blade as far as it could. When the other goblins caught sight of it, they also screamed and scrambled to retreat from the exposed elvish sword. The great goblin also threw himself away from the sword exclaiming, "I know that sword! It is the Goblin Cleaver! The Biter! The blade that sliced a thousand necks!" The surrounding goblins howled and began beat the Dwarves with their bony fists. "Slash them! Beat them! Kill them! Kill them all!" The goblin king wailed. He then pointed at Thorin, "CUT OFF HIS HEAD!" Goblins piled onto Thorin, holding him to the floor as another goblin raised a dirty and jagged blade above the Dwarven King's head.

Just as the blade was being brought down, all those in the cavern were blinded by a huge flash of light. The Dwarves, being used to light, recovered first and saw Gandalf, Sago and a slightly weak-looking Ren standing in the center of the bridge. Gandalf pointed his staff at the Dwarves, "Take up arms. Fight. Fight!" The company surged to its feet and lunged at their discarded weapons, scooping up every means of defence possible before slicing through swathes of goblins clambering over the rocks to get to them. The goblin king pointed a swollen finger at Gandalf's sword, "He wields the Foe-Hammer. The

Beater, bright as daylight!"

Gandalf hurried over to the Dwarves, "Follow me! Quick! Run!"

As Bilbo ran through the tunnels, he heard a faint screech from far behind him where the lake was. "Lost! My precious is lost! Loooooossssstttt!" The 'thing's' grating cry couldn't help but make Bilbo feel the stirrings of pity in the bottom of his stomach for the poor creature that had been corrupted by the ring in his pocket. He strengthened his resolve and turned back around, following the faint green line once more. He hears rushed and muffled footsteps from the offshoot tunnel in front of him and he backs away only to see Gandalf, the Dwarves, Sago and Ren (silly girl she doesn't look nearly well enough to be running like that) sprint out of the tunnel and down the path that his glowing line lead.

Bilbo huffed in relief and followed them, out of the tunnel and into the sunlight.

He stood behind a tree to catch his breath, listening to Gandalf take a headcount of the Dwarves. "Nine, ten, eleven, Gloin, that's

twelve. And Dwalin, that makes thirteen, Sago, Ren… Where's Bilbo? Where is our hobbit?" Bilbo grumbled mentally, he does not belong to that magical pile of unwashed laundry thanks very much. The Dwarves were working themselves into a frenzy, arguing with each other over who was supposed to be looking after Bilbo. _**"Araiellaiahssai,"**_ he murmured softly, releasing the spells he had placed upon himself. He heard Gandalf demand that the Dwarves tell him immediately what had happened to him when Thorin stepped forward. "I'll tell you what happened. Master Baggins saw his chance and he took it. He's thought of nothing but his soft bed and his warm hearth since first he stepped out of his door. We will not be seeing our hobbit again. He is long gone." Ouch Thorin. Really feeling your love at the moment. Bilbo knew that the Dwarf had warmed up to him, but it appeared that he still didn't trust the Hobbit completely. "No, he isn't." Bilbo slid out from behind the tree. Sago shot him a cheeky grin, and Thorin looked quite sheepish. "Bilbo Baggins! I've never been so glad to see anyone in my life!" Gandalf sighed relieved. Bilbo snorted quietly. Save for the pipeweed seller you mouldy dishcloth.

"Bilbo! We'd given you up!" Kili laughed.

"How on earth did you get past the goblins?" Fili asked reverently.

"How, indeed." He heard Dwalin mutter from his place near the edge of the Dwarf circle. Gandalf looked slightly rushed. "Well, what does it matter? He's

back." Thorin glared at the wizard. Hit him with enough glare force for the both of us! Bilbo nearly giggled at his own thoughts. "It matters. I want to know; why did you come back?"

Bilbo sighed. Speech time it is. "Look, I know you doubt me. I know you always have. And you're right. I often think of Bag End. I miss my books, and my armchair, and my garden. See, that's where I belong. That's home. And you don't have one, a home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can. " Wow he was not expecting to get that emotional. The problem is though, he knows Thorin, he understands the need to provide the best for the people you rule over. And he does it from his homeland, so he can only imagine the pain of having that ripped from you. If a Dragon invaded the Shire, he would be untrusting of an outsider recruited to help reclaim it too.

Suddenly, howls echoed around the valley. Wargs. And where there are Wargs, there are Orcs. And Bilbo doesn't know if these Orcs are turned.

"Out of the frying pan - " Thorin began.

"- And into the fire." Gandalf finished. "Run. Run!"

…

So that is the end of another chapter! Sorry it took so long, I promise to try harder! So yesterday I got Chickens! (Off topic but oh well) They are named Dobby, Jellybean and Pippin! (Recognise Pippin from anywhere?) XD

I'll try to update soon with the Orc incident, although I'm not sure how to deal with Azog technically being good but I'm sure I'll figure it out :) Any ideas please comment them!

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


	14. Azog: What an absolutely imbecilic Orc

Okay so I'm back! Hopefully, this is a more regular update than usual! (I wouldn't get used to it, time is scarce I am very sorry.) So… The Orc incident. Forgive me if it's a wee bit shaky, it's a hard one. The Hobbit does not belong to me :'(.

 **Khuzdul**

 _Sindarin_

 _ **Hobbitish**_

…

Bilbo, Ren, Sago, Gandalf and the Dwarves all ran as fast as they could along the uneven terrain. With his enhanced sight, Bilbo could see that the direction they were running in headed straight off a cliff. Using the few seconds they had before they got there, Bilbo did his best to formulate a plan. When they reached the edge and some of the Dwarves nearly tasted the sweet flavour of immediate death, Bilbo shouted as loudly as his Hobbity lungs could handle. "Up into the trees! HURRY!" The Dwarves didn't seem care that it was him giving the order for they leapt into the branches of the pines around them as if Wargs were snapping at their heels. Oh, and there were Wargs snapping at their heels.

Perched at the top of a tall pine, Bilbo turned to Ren and Sago who were sitting on a branch next to him and practically tore into them both, uncaring of the pandemonium below. _**"You two BOTH have some serious explaining to do! Ren, what were you even thinking? Leaving Rivendell before you were given the say-so from Lord Elrond - don't say that he did you look like death warmed over even I can see that - running straight into the Goblin tunnels with that fleabag of a wizard, and nearly getting killed by a goblin, that slice on your leg nearly hit a major artery, I'll get Oin to look at it once we're out of this palava -"**_ The tree they were in tilted and the three of them leapt onto the next one, Bilbo not pausing in his rant. _**"And Sago! You said that you were going to stay with her until she was better; does she look better to you? ALSO, you promised me that you would stay out of trouble and if the wizard tried to lead you anywhere you would wait for him to come back! NOT GO WITH HIM FOR TOOK'S SAKE!"**_ He inhaled deeply, his tirade finally finished, face flushed and head pounding.

Sago looked very sheepish whereas Ren looked more as if she was fighting to stay conscious. More trees toppled and they all leapt from branch to branch until the entire company was balanced upon one tree. Several of the Orcs and Wargs turned around and the leader of the entire sorry affair crested the bank. Bilbo glared. 'Azog you idiot how in Arda am I supposed to explain my way out of this one?' He was signing furiously from the top of the tree, eyes glinting. Azog looked at him and somehow managed to blanch, despite having pure white skin. Bilbo could think about that discovery later because right now he had to save everyone's sorry behinds. 'Okay, first of all, I know that you don't actually want to kill him so the Eagles are going to turn up any minute now right?' Azog directed the Wargs to attack the tree while nodding briefly. 'Alright. So if we carry on with that joke we have of letting the mothball wizard believe that he can summon the Eagles by moth-' moth honestly, '- then we can make him think he saved us and get out of here.' Azog rolled his eyes. 'As if I hadn't had a plan beforehand cabbages.'

'Don't call me that!' Bilbo huffed to himself endearingly. The formalities between the Archthain and the Orc Chieftain had been thrown away the second those two became friends. Bilbo was about to cast the spell that would give Gandalf a little mental shove into whispering orders to a convenient moth when his stomach dropped… along with the tree.

Next thing he knew, the tree was hanging over the edge of the cliff. Finally noticing how the ground was on fire, Sago later explained to him how everyone else had been throwing flaming pinecones at the Wargs, he quickly cast his spell before beginning to observe his surroundings. Gandalf had just finished having his little gossip session with the moth and was now using his staff to catch Dori and poor poor Ori (it is really not that Dwarf's day) who had fallen off of the tree. Kili was sitting in a very painful looking position, Bombur was sitting on Bofur's left leg and Thorin was marching down the branch with his sword - wait WHAT!?

Thorin was marching down the branch with his sword in his hand and looking like he was about to murder somebody. And that somebody was the 7 foot tall Orc with a blade for one arm, holding a ridiculously large mace on the other hand and sitting astride an even more ridiculously large Warg. Fantastic.

Three minutes later Thorin was practically unconscious on the floor and Bilbo was standing in front of the Dwarven king's prone body wondering how in the name of every prize tomato in Hobbiton he got himself into this situation.

Azog grinned however to the untrained eye it might look like a murderous smirk. See, Bilbo thought, this is why you find it hard to be approachable. His large and irritating friend then decided to order his minions to kill him leaving Bilbo to attempt to defend himself with his miniature toothpick of a sword. He had noticed Azog's minor signal of 'They're unturned' as the minions approached so he had very little qualms about jumping onto the first Orc and stabbing it 28 times. So it might have been a little overboard but he was pretending to be an untrained fighter and he had to keep his cover. The rest of the Orcs rushed towards him and were thankfully intercepted by a horde of Dwarves that had FINALLY managed to get their behinds off of the tree.

Just as the battle was heating up, literally and figuratively, there was fire everywhere, the wonderful, amazing, spectacular, fantastic, superb Eagles arrived in order to end his misery and take him somewhere where he could SLEEP. Leaping happily off the cliff onto an Eagle's back, he turned around just enough to sign one final message to Azog. 'You owe me three barrels of Sauron's coffee, I'm going to need it.'

…

I thought that that would be a fun ending! I hope I did alright with the Orc's because that honestly had me for a bit. So next chapter we have The Hug™, Beorn and possibly the beginning of Mirkwood. OH MY GOSH and by them, we'll have finished the first movie I'm so excited! So I'll see you for that I guess! Sorry it's shorter than the last one :)

 _ **FallohideDragon**_


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